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| There is no sense in this
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Author: |
lilachawk |
Created: |
25/04/2007 17:48 |
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One perfect little girl, 2 angels and now a new baby son, trying to make sense of it all |
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One year on |
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06/05/2008 02:27
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By
lilachawk
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We have just been through the one year anniversary of losing Hayden and then having the erpc and what a year it has been, so much sadness but so much joy, at times it's felt impossible to bear, I love Malachi to bits and I feel so blessed to have him but I know I got pregnant again too soon after losing Hayden, six weeks in between just wasn't enough the whole pregnancy was tainted by the grieving process for Hayden, I didn't bond with Malachi as a bump as I was so scared of losing him and in a strange way it felt like I was being disloyal to Hayden to be exited about having another baby, now Malachi is here it has taken a long time for me to properly bond with him, he is nearly 8 weeks old now and only over the past week has the bond really developed, I have loved and cherished him from the start but at times I have found it very hard to enjoy him, I am there now but it hasn't been easy, Will and I spoke about it and he felt the same, the best way we could describe how we felt was that we were some how detac ...
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1st day at Pre-School |
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21/04/2008 16:15
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By
lilachawk
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Well today was an important day in Hemmie's life, it was her first day at Pre-School! She has been really exited about starting and if I am honest so have I, we have spent the last almost 3 years together at home, it's high time we both had a little space!
The morning at Pre-School went really well, as it was her settling in session I stayed with her although I was also dealing with Malachi which helped me step back from her so I was there but not over her sholder the whole time, I got her uniform and she insisted on putting it on there and then and now won't take it off bless her, what is it with children and uniforms, why do they suddenly look so growen up when they put it on, it's only a polo shirt and a sweat shirt but there is just something about it that says this is no toddler any more, this is a little girl ready for the big wide world, makes me a little sad as she will always be my baby to an extent but the biggest feeling is pride, I have got her this far and she is now ready to start t ...
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Birth story and baby bottom troubles |
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23/03/2008 04:24
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By
lilachawk
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On Tuesday the 11th, 2 days before my section date I started getting contractions, by the time Hemmie was dropped off at 4pm they were really quite strong and 5 to 7 mins apart, I wasn't convinced it was the real thing but I was persuaded by mil to call the hospital and they ordered me in quick smart (would be very dangerous for me to try and have baby naturally), got Will home from work and went to the hospital, contractions were showing as really strong but when they checked my cervix was closed and not looking like it was about to start dilating, we thought we would be allowed home to wait till Thursday for the section but they said no way I was stopping and off I went to the high risk ward and will went home, next morning a midwife comes into my room saying i needed to eat breakfast as they were doing my section that day rather then waiting 24 hours and if i didn't eat then I wasn't going to get to for quite some time, the day wore on and at times it looked like it wasn't going to be that day at all but f ...
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I'm a Mummy again! |
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20/03/2008 01:00
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By
lilachawk
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Just a very short entry to say that I am a Mummy again! Baby Malachi Jack Burton was born a day before my planned section (was booked for the 13th of March) as I went into early labor on the 11th, they performed my section on the 12th of March and Malachi was born at 7.23pm weighing 7lbs 8oz. He is a week old today and we finally got let out of hospital this afternoon.
We have had an up and down week in hospital with various issues with Malachi, some we expected some we didn't but we are home now and doing well, will make an entry with full details of it all soon but right now we are just enjoying our two beautiful and precious children, it's been such a long hard road to get here and we will never for get or angel babies but I feel so blessed to have finally completed my family and be able to leave all the heart ache and tears behind. I am going to take my wee man to bed now wish me luck for our first night at home as a family of four!
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In one week today |
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06/03/2008 01:53
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By
lilachawk
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So, since my last entry Will and I have had our first wedding anniversary, didn't quite go to plan, we didn't even see each other on the day! On the 8th of Feb I was admitted to hospital as my chronic pain got totally out of hand and my medication wasn't working, there was a plan to admit me on the 12th of Feb from clinic anyway to start me on another pain drug that I take when I am not ttc or pregnant (can cause problems in early pregnancy) and I have to be in hospital to start it as it knocks me out while the dosage is adjusted and it's not safe for me to be home in that time and also the worry that it could knock bubs out too much as well but the pain wasn't going to behave it's self for another 4 days so in I had to go which of cause left issues with child care for Hemmie, poor Will had so much to deal with he really did me proud but we both agreed that she had to be his priority and I could live without visitors especially as I was in so much pain and out of it from the medication so when our first weddi ...
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Joy and tears for first wedding anniversary |
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06/02/2008 01:08
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By
lilachawk
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can you believe it is February already and I am only just writing my first blog entry of the year? I guess I am not blogging as much now because this blog became about getting through the grief of losing Hayden and now I am just 5 and a half weeks of my section and having my little boy in my arms, this pregnancy has gone so fast and at times the pain of losing Hayden is still so raw, I think I probably got pregnant too quickly after losing him, I hate admitting that as it feels like I am saying I don't want this baby and that couldn't be further from the truth but at times I spend more time thinking about the should have and would have could haves with Hayden then thinking about the baby I am carrying who is strong and healthy and that brings allot of guilt and I think that maybe if I had had more then six weeks between losing Hayden and finding out I was pregnant again I would have worked through more of the grief and been able to cherish this pregnancy more. On the 10th of this month, so just 5 days time is ...
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Last Blog of 2007 |
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31/12/2007 22:30
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By
lilachawk
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What a year it has been, Will and I were talking today over our annual new years eve lunch out, the way we have come to celebrate new year while dd is too young to stay up and see it in with us and we were discussing the year and Will said that he would be glad to see the back of it as it's been such a tough year for us and while I agree it's been a bad year I had to remind him that if you make a tally of the good and put it next to the bad then the good wins out it's just that the bad has been so very bad.
This year saw us marry in February, a wonderful day and now we have our second child, a son due in under 3 months time but then you have the bad, losing Hayden and the pain and heartache drowns out everything else, it has taken the shine of absolutely everything but I am hoping that next year will hold no more pain on that level, February will hold our 1st wedding anniversary and we are stronger together then ever, March I pray will hold the safe arrival of our Son who is to be named Malachi J ...
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Poem of miscarriage in memory of Hayden |
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06/12/2007 00:37
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By
lilachawk
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Just moments before we were laughing and joking
Then there was hush a silence so choking
Before the words could be said I just knew
My greatest fear had come true
Last time we saw a heartbeat and future
Now there was no flicker no life
Someone just punctured my soul with a knief
I wanted to scream I wanted to hide
I couldn't believe my baby had died
I sat there I cried, then had to decide
What to do with his body inside
I need him gone so I can move on
I was booked for the operation
sent on my way, now have a good day
I waited four days my mind in a haze
I wanted him gone, I wanted him there
My belly still swollen, our future felt stolen
Then the day came, booked myself in
went in pregnant came out empty
and in my hand a leaflet,
we're sorry you had a miscarriage...
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Viability |
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03/12/2007 23:56
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By
lilachawk
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I am now 24 weeks and My baby boy has reached viability, it is such a major mile stone, now if anything should happen they would be able to attempt to save my baby rather then just having to wait and let nature take its devastating cause, by no means do I want my little man to put in an appearance for at least another 12 weeks but it is so good to know that if he did come he would stand a chance, a slim chance but just having that chance at life is so important, something my two angels never got.
I have my next appointment with the high risk team in two weeks, there is going to be allot to talk about in regards to the birth but it still feels to soon to be making birth plans as even though we have reached the viability mile stone it still feels like planning his birth would be making assumptions on something that might not happen, I know this is true for every pregnancy but I never felt this way when I was pregnant with Hemmie but that feels like a whole different life, I had my innocence, from the ...
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20 week scan results |
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07/11/2007 11:52
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By
lilachawk
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It's been a while since I last made an entry been focusing on getting through this time when Hayden would have just entered the world, I have been trying to avoid saying 'should' as I understand that Hayden was never meant for this world, he just wasn't strong enough and if Hayden hadn't joined the angels I would not be pregnant now.
Even though these last few weeks have been tough on Monday we had the best bit of news we could ever imagine, I had my 20 week scan and everything is absolutely perfect and to top it all off with a load of icing we found out that we are expecting a little boy, we just couldn't be happier and feel so blessed to have a girl and now a boy and the chance to experience bringing up both sexes, I would have been just as happy had this baby been a girl, at the end of the day all I really want is a baby to take home, love and raise to the best of my ability but having a boy seems so special after losing Hayden.
We have decided to name our little boy Malachi Jack and ...
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