can lightening strike 2x
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- can lightening strike 2x
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31/10/08 17:56
Tink. (((hugs))). I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix everything for you. You are one of the nicest people I have ever met on bounty. Glad to hear baby is bouncing and that oh has felt it too. You really have been dealt a sh!tty hand and your good luck will come. I'm gonna win the lottery on saturday and we'll get you private! (wish i could guarantee it)
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31/10/08 16:27
AAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH dam this horrid C.......
little 1 is getting rather energetic even hubby could feel it kicking last night.... it always makes me smile but it's closely follwed by a twang of sadness, cause of the unknown... 24 weeks is only 7 wks away.... i don't want lo to come that early i know if they have to they have to but lo will be so tiny and weak and will have 1 hell of a fight to survive.... like 1 ladies said to have a baby at 24 wks some would say (not that lady) is selfish but would i really be being selfish to give my lo the chance of life...???? it's either that or my little 1 would alomst certainly die from the treatment.... 1 thing i did read on receiving chemo for melanomas during pg is that the baby if it survives the treatment can be born with lukemia....!!!!!!!!!!! i just feel so torn i don't want little 1 to be born to soon and fight for life, i don't wan't to terminate, and i don't want treatment that will put lo at risk..... god i really do hope that this scan shows nothing of immediate concern better still nothing at all.... but i've not been lucky so far what the hell would possibly make me think that him upstairs would give me a reprieve....
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31/10/08 13:14
sorry i just read your last message and i am really sorry if i've made it worse. Just want to give you a big HUG.
JO 17+4
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31/10/08 13:12
hi i am so sorry your having to go through this and that they have not been prompt with a plan of care for you. As other have already said no can make your mind up for you and your decision i am sure will be made taking all into acount. My only thought is that 24 weeks is still very early and there is a fairly low survival rate of babies born at this stage, also alot complecations that can arrise for babies born at this stage. How would you feel to wait and for baby to struggle to survive. how would this effect you and your family?. I sorry if this is harsh and i am sure you have thought about it but i needed to say. I will as will everyone who has replied stand by your decision and support you fully. I am unsure of the decision i would make in your situation. it is easy for us to say save your self or likewise protect your baby but we aren't the ones to live with the decision.
your decision will be the right one
jo 17+4
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30/10/08 11:48
good morning all.... thankyou all for your honest replies....
i got up this morning feeling really down and depressed, i'm full of flu, got a banging headache and all i want to do is go back to bed and cry.... bury my head under a pillow and pretend none of this is happening.... after my app with baby doc yesterday i felt a little happier knowing that they would do all they can for lo, and they'd be giving my doc's a kick up the arse... then after that call last night my hopes were once again shadowed by a dooming cloud of uncertainity..... i spoke to hubby when he came in at 9.30 and i could see in his eyes that he was just as upset as me by what the doc had said about terminating....
i know nothing is certain yet and him upstairs seems to really be testing my limits at the mo.... but my luck is never that good, so i am expecting the worst.....
i just can't believe how cruel life can be and that life is such a b***, why me..??? why when i'm pg...???? why when there are so many cruel evil people out there that don't deserve the kids they have...!!! that abuse thier kids...!!! put them in care..!!! terminate them cause they don't meet their criteria...!!! i have never done anything bad my whole life so why is him upstairs determined to break me...????????
sorry for ranting and getting my hair off but i really have had enough, i've spent most of the morning in tears, i just can't do this anymore....
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30/10/08 09:03
i am so sorry for what you're going through i could never terminate a baby so i know how you feel in that respect but i cannot imagine the emotional turmoil you are in nor would i pretend to. Only you know what is best for you, your family and Little Bear. You are so close to 24wks now i can't see what difference it would make to let you get there like you said they have left you since march so what's 1 more month.I hope everything works out for you Alex and Little Bear take care xxxxx
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29/10/08 22:38
i would like to thank all the ladies who took the time to replyand i thank you ladies for your honesty.... i have considered my family when making these choices and i have not made them without carefull contemplation... they will send me a scan date for next week if not the week after so i'll be between 17-19 weeks... if the news isn't good then is waiting till 24 weeks going to be so bad, after all they have left me waiting this long....!!!!!!!!!!! they knew about the patch on my liver in march but decided to watch and wait to see if becomes more sinister.... i am so annoyed with them, so angry and frustrated... how can they so casually say terminate when i'm nearly 17wks, i could never forgive myself for killing our baby, so it wasn't planned but that doesn't mean that it shoudn't have the chance of life, especially as the 24 safety limit is so close...
sorry for the rambling and ranting....
and thankyou again ladies...
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29/10/08 21:38
Alex I should of said, what ever you decide is best for you hun, no one will judge you and we will all try to support you in any decision you make, please try to relax and sitting with calming music on in a darkened'ish room, nice and warm and with scented candles may just help you to relax a little for your own and little bears sake!
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29/10/08 21:35
Alex, massive hugs hun (((HUGS))) no one can tell you what to do or what is best for no one knows what you are going through, like you don't know yet if there is the nasty C spreading itself around you!
I personally am trying to put myself in your shoes and I can only see that how can you make any decisions when you don't know what is going on inside your body hun, and when you do find out and they say the worst case senario like its spread and you have it in your liver etc, what do they suggest, you forgo this baby you have already been bonding with and falling in love, to go through some agressive treatment which might help you and then again it might just prolong things for a bit, (I AM TALKING WORSE CASE SENARIO HERE HUN
) and so is delaying all the treatment you need until little bear can have a chance at survival so bad, some may say you are selfish, I don't think you can be in a situation like you are in, as a mother we all will put our children first, be they here with us or still developing inside us, its a mothers way!You will fight this and grow stronger and you have to be ready in yourself to do this hun and for your chiuldren your husband you will make the right decisions and ultimately for yourself!
Well hoping you get some restful sleep soon hun and i will keep thinking positive thoughts, that you don't have to deal with numpties like the cleaner again, and get some great support and encouragement behind you!
Massive hugs and prays for you and little bear,
Sadie 15+6 wks
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29/10/08 20:51
any 1 else...??????
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29/10/08 19:56
As i've never been in your situation I can only guess at how I would feel. I know I could never have a termination even the thought of it makes me feel terrible, so from that I can only imagine that I would choose to forgo my health for the baby and make sure everything is in place for the rest of my family. Now if this is selfish then I am, but I cannot ever see myself taking that little life that we have created. From the moment we discover the baby it is part of the family.
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29/10/08 19:55
thats a very hard question to answer, but i agree with waht your saying, they have left you this long, whats the problem with another month or so, but i can also see what sharni is saying, if the scan showed something and the worst thing ever was to terminate, i can say that i personally couldnt bring myself to do that, but also having other children what would the effect be on them, im so sorry that you are in this situation and i hope everything goes well for you and your little bear
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29/10/08 19:36
Honestly I can't answer, I have mixed emotions ( which I'm sure is no where near as mixed as yours) Sometimes I think you may be being selfish (sorry) you are willing to leave the children you already have without a mother for the sake of a child not yet born. However I then put myself in your position and i could not terminate this pregnancy, so hows it selfish to bring new life into this world.
Sorry that does sound harsh but i'm sure you've had these thought, all i can say is your a very brave woman and i wish you luck...hope i haven't offened u or anyone reading this.
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29/10/08 19:22
just had a phone call from the cleaner...lol.... she said she had spoken to my onc dr middleton and he wouldn't agree to the ct scan, not whilst pregnant.... and that their plan of action is to ultrasound my liver as in march this yr they ct scanned me and it showed 2 nodules in my left lung and also a patch on my liver, but at the time they could not determine what it was as the image was not clear enough.... great huh..... she said that in light of that the ultrasound of my liver is the most important thing at the moment.... and if that does show anything then i would have to terminate the baby to start immediate treatment..... WTF.... sorry but they have left me long enough i'm sure they can wait till lo reaches 24 weeks... i told her that i had seen my baby consultant today and that he said that if need be they would deliver lo early..... she said that if the scan showed nothing of immediate concern then they would leave me as long as they think is safe....
like i said to her the fact that it didn't stay gone is bothering me and i can't keep going through this emotional turmoil again and again and again......
can i ask you ladies if you think i am doing the right thing putting lo before my own health....???? please be honest.....
alex and little bear 16+5
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29/10/08 16:38
Hi alex like you said at least 1 of your doctors is doing their job. Hopefully in 3wks you will know something and finally hear some good news, keeping everything crossed for you and Little Bear xxxx
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29/10/08 15:56
hello peep's.... well i had an app today with my baby consultant, and i was truly amazed.... he could tell me more about the results from the biopsy than the cleaner playing doc's and nurses on monday at oxford.... he told me the size width, depth and so called safe margin...... he asked me what the onc's plan was, i said i wish i knew..... he said about them checking my lymph nodes and i said they want to do a ct scan, but i know they can't get a clear picture of the nodes without using radiation...... 7ultra sound does not give a clear result, and neither does an mri.... so i really have no idea what they are going to do.....
he was disgusted that they haven't got their arses in gear yet and come up with a plan of care... ie; treatment etc.... and said he will be getting in touch with my plastics doc and my onc to find out what they plan to do, and he also said that under no circumstances will he be happy for them to use radiation.... and if they insist the test be done and or treatment then i will have to make it to 24wks for little bears sake.... he made an app for me to go back in 3 wks so that hopefully he will have a plan of care set up.... atleast 1 of my doc's is doing his job properly.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's ok for them to chat between themselves, but i wish some1 would tell me what the f*(k is going to happen.....
i am so anxious, stressed, worried and fed up of being left in the dark... i'm constantly worrying that something is going to happen to the baby.... i don't want to let myself get attached to lo... it's unimaginable to think that if need be my lo would be here at xmas...... i want little bear to stay in there snug and warm and grow strong and healthy....
my poor little brain cell is finding it so hard to cope with all this i'm surprised it hasn't packed it's bags yet and left like the rest.... lol...
my brain is in such a pickle... had the shopping delivered today... thought i'd do hamburger and chips for tea.... only i forgot to order the most important ingredient......... the beef burgers.... deeerrrrr...!!!!!!!!!!! so then i thought oh well i ordered the stuff to make spaghetti bolognese i'll do that instead.... deeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrr again... i forgot the bloody spaghetti.... lol... preggy brains eehhhh.......
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28/10/08 12:10
Oh no , I only read through just now ... Can not possilly imagine what you are going through but it's definitely very hard and you are a very very brave women !!!
I admire you for being so strong and trying your best ! From the bottom of my heart I wish you all the best and you get to talk to your onc. as soon as possible so you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy .
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers !!!
Veronika 14+4
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28/10/08 11:36
good morning all..... you ladies here on bounty are so kind and i really do appreciate the support i get from you all....
i hardly slept at all last night i was so wound up, i had a banging headache all day yesterday and by the time i got to bed last night i felt awfull, go up this morning feeling all fluey....
i am still angry about yesterday i was so looking forward to finally being given some answers, but now i feel i'm even more in limbo than before.... i was in tears by the time we got back to the car because i was so frustrasted and angry.... i've had enough....
i've had the ugly C hanging over my life for 2+ yrs.... knowing that i'm high risk i know it will always be waiting round the corner for me... i relapsed in 2yrs, despite their reasurances that they had removed all the affected tissue with a safe margin... obviously not as it came back right on the edge of the so called safe margin.... how many more times am i going to have to go through this, and each time it rears it's ugly head i have to go through this all over again to see if it has spread...??? i know that in the future there will no chance that i'll be pregnat, cause i'm telling my baby doc tomorrow that i want to be sterilised as soon as poss after this 1 is born....i might make an app with my gp she's lovely, she often rings me to see if i'm ok... but i'll wait till the kids are back at school so i can go in peace....
why does him upstairs have to deal me the crap cards, why can't he give me a break..... sorry to anyone religious.. xx
does anyone have any tips to help me relax and unwind.... i need something, it can't be doing lo any good mummy being this wound up....
love and hugs
a still very very stressed alex and little bear...... 16+4....
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28/10/08 09:37
I was really hoping it was gonna be good news. But I suppose cos little bear is in there longer and they r not doing anythingthen like u say he has a better chance. Doesnt help u thou as u want to know whats going on and cant believe how they have treated u!!!!
You have mentioned it b4 about ur gp. Why dont u get an appointment with him today and explain how u r feeling. Im sure he would understand and perhaps he can ring on ur behalf and get this all sorted. If he sees how stressed out u r, he has 2 do something for u and the little one xx
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28/10/08 08:26
i'm so sorry for the way you were treated can't believe they made you see someone with no clue why you were there take care of yourself for yours and little bears sake xx
hi ladies... i am worried sick, 3 days ago i started spotting first brown then pink then red. i always go by how i feel and i've still got sickness extreme tiredness and all but after 6 mc/mmc's i am worried... my gp has arranged a scan for me tomorrow, i sure hope all is well as we go away on sat..... atleast i'll know if hubby's dream came true......!!!!!
to top it off i had an app with my plastic surgeon this morning, to check my scar from the malignannt melanoma i had removed, and my lymph nodes in my groin an knee.... well all is not good....!!!!! i mentioned to him that a lump had appeared on the scarred area.... he looked at it and felt it and explained that it is exactly the sort of lump that they look for, and that it needs to be whipped of as soon as, they've booked me in for the 5th.... so they can biopsy it....
i feel like lightening has struck 2x... i was between 6-7 wks last pg when the skin clinic doctor took 1 look at my mole and told me it was coming off asap as without a doubt it was cancerous, which the biopsy confirmed...
i am scarred witless.... hubby keeps saying it will be fine... but that's what he said last time..... i know i should try to be positive, but i've been waiting 2yrs for the big C to rear it's ugly head, as they've told me that i am high risk of it spreading......
how can i relax and enjoy my holiday...????