Thanks everybody, i really do appreciate your responses and thoughts.  My dh does know i have pnd and i have asked him to readinto it cos he doesn't seem to want to believe it is a 'real' illness. i do go to councelling but there is no way he would come with me and tbh im not sure i would want him to.i know he does care and he says he knows how hard it is but i dunno.  i think cos i go from being fine one min to rock bottom and so stressed litterally the next he finds it hard to deal with...not the only one. I did try anti d's but they really didn't suit me so  i will stick to the councelling. 

To the last poster sorry can't remember your name, i know what you mean about not wanting to start sexual things incase it goes further, which i think is part of the prob, i prob seem like i never go near dh which is perhaps hurtful to him but i don't incase it has to lead to something more..it's dreadful cos i never thought i would be like this and these were meant to be such happy times. well i have taken up enough of all your time moaning on. Thanks again though everyone and all the best to all of you xxx

Sammy, you could almost be me! (sorry dads for gatecrashing)

I also had lo last August and had third degree tear. Since then I have had no sex drive as it's too painful. I have been re-stitched twice and it's still not right. It has taken me ages to return to GP but I can't carry on. They have given me "dilators" (they look like various vibrators) to practise with but tbh, I know it's not going to work and another op is on the cards.

Good suggestions on the hand/blow jobs. Only trouble there is, I'm reluctant to start in case dh gets carried away and thinks it's ok to go further. I really feel for him and I also feel guilty and sorry for myself at the same time. It's a real dilemma isn't it?

I hope thinks are ok for you

M x  

i sort of agree, communication is the key! if you can talk about it and sort things out you'll be fine

Obviously the priority at the mo is your mental & physical health, but I think u need to have a serious talk with your OH, explain exactly how u feel & ask him what he would like u 2 do (2  show him affection) that would be a compromise. Perhaps u could also go 2 counselling 2gether as sometimes it's easier 2 take the pressure off by talking via a 3rd party who can suggest things about how to go forward that neither of u may have thought of.

Listen to what "peace40" says cause she answered my forum and makes a lot of sense, probably more than me! Think its a very individual mater anyway but sure you'll figure it out, hope so

Sorry I'm gatecrashing from DID, but I just wanted 2 say that it does sound like something may be wrong if it still hurts after that length of time & I also suggest you get rechecked. My Mum suffered for yrs after my sis was born as it  turns out they had stitched her wrongly, she said she only got relief after I tore her during birth & she was restitched correctly! Won't bother given any opinion on the rest as I am a woman. I had postnatal depression after my dd  was born so \i know what ur going through & it WILL get bettter 1 day even though it doesn't feel like u will never b happy again.

I didnt realise you had post-natal depression also. I think that does change the situation quite a bit to be honest. Does your husband not realise how serious PND is? I think you should advise him to read up on it, read the stories of women who have gone through it so he appreciates just how bad it acutally can be for the woman.

After my wife had dd, i noticed, basically from that day, she didnt seem like the same woman. I kept a close eye on her and noticed he slowly deteriote. About 3 weeks after dd was born, she had to go into hospital and was in and out for several weeks, she had Pylorics-stinosis (spelling?). My wifes mental state quickly deteriorated from this point, and although having our daughter back out of hospital was a huge relief and a very joyful occasion, i noticed after a few days that it had had a bigger impact on my wife then i'd realised. She gradually got worse and worse until she went to the docs. The said she was just stressed but i started reading up on PND and knew she had it. The next time i went with her to make sure she was totally honest with the docs and they did diagnose her with PND and put her on meds. They havent really helped. But my point is i've looked into PND and understand just how serious the condition is, how many marriages are ruined because of it and how many women commit suicide because of it.

I'm sure if your hubby realised the sriousness of the condition, he'd be very different trowards you and wouldnt pester you for sex. I'm sure Palm and her 5 beautiful daughters would keep him happy for the time being whilst you were given time to heal (from the stitches) and time to allow your mental state to improve as i know just how tiring it is looking after lo 24/7. I do my bit in the evenings after work and at weekends and she wears me out, i dont know how you women do it full time! But with all your going through, your husband will need to put your needs first before his.

My wife does take a lot out on me and lately she seems to say some very hurtful and nastey things. But i try not to take it to heart, as difficult as that is.

However in regards to your stitches still hurting after all this time, how long has it actually been since the birth? I'm sure if its a few months it should still be hurting. I'd suggest you go back to the docs and get them to have a look to make sure everything is ok, after all you got nothing to loose.

Obviously sex isnt the be all and end all but hey were only men! Hope you can sort it out between you anyways. Good luck

Thanks guys, they never tell you you may feel like this after a baby do they!!!

Its so difficult to go from being knackered mum, good  housewife then after all that when you just wanna sit down or sleep turn into some sex goddess aswell!!!  I think dh finds it hard to accept that i have postnatal depression and that takes it toll on me too so i just have nothing left at the end of the day i am drained, but i do worry that this is gonna cause a wedge between us cos i am sure he must feel pushed out, i have questioned whether i still love him as we have recently had a few problems but i think that our lives have changed so much since having a baby as you probably have found too that it's as though i / we can't really be bothered to work at our relationship so once you get in that mind set it can be hard to break it so sex just isn't important to me anymore.

I will try to muster the energy to do someof the things you have suggested but tbh i don't even want to do that either, but it would shut him up for a bit maybe!!!  I think i will have to go back to the docs cos i don't think 10 mths on it should still hurt but i guess we all heal at different paces..God your poor wife having to have it done again!!!!! 

Your situation does sound similar to mine in a way, perhaps me and your wife are going through the same thing, we love you fellas really but like they say you always hurt the ones closest to you so when we are depressed / stressed  / tired etc you guys cop for it cos our patience has been ragged all day with being on hand 24 / 7  with the babies that we take it out on you..not right i know but i think that's what i do but dh does wind me up nicely sometimes...all the best to you and thanks again.

Hi

I'm in a similar type of situation. My and my wife have not had sex in 9 months. We done it twice abvout 3 months after dd was born, but since then, its been 9 months and no sex. I did ask for it once but she refused which kind of put me off asking again as i felt i didnt want to pressure her to have sex. 9 months for a guy is a long time. We have, in the past 5 weeks had a lot of problems in the relationship with my wife saying she no longer loves me and wants a divorce, i dont know if this was the reason she didnt want sex or if this is only a recent thing thats got into her head (she has post-natal depression also).

It will cause arguments but you need to try and explain to your husband that its painful and you feel uncomfortable.  If its painful for you, he needs to put your needs before his. Have you been to the docs about it? Maybe they made a blunder with the stitching? My wife had 3rd degree tears and had to be stitched up, then several months later she had to go back for more stitches as they hadnt been done right the first time.

I suppose oral sex or a hand job would probably keep him content for the time being. He'll still get some sexual satisfaction.  

Don't know what your fella is into but i was always quite happy with a blow job or a handjob. Still gets the same result eventually. My ex had a low sex drive but was always happy to do one of the above most of the time. no its not the same as sex but hey least its a compromise. Helps if ya good at them too

Hi There, i would be grateful for some advice and or male points of view please to hopefully help me and help my relationship with dh.

Basically when i met dh 7 yrs ago we had good and frequent sex and in time the frequency dwindled..due to me but since i gave birth to our first dd last year in august i really have no sex drive at all. I had a natural birth but had to be cut and so had stitches and still now it is tender and can often be quite painful espcec when we try and have sex, so now i am expecting it to hurt i can't relax at all and so i just try to avoid sex at all costs..

Dh has a very high sex drive and i know he is getting frustrated but i really don't want to do it at all..dd isn't sleeping great at the min and so i am utterly exhausted so bed really is for sleeping in.  I have tried to explain this to dh but now we have started to argue about not having sex. I know you can't magically fix this for me but i wondered if you had any advice or ideas that i could do to help the situation or how you would feel / what you would want your wives to do that would help show their affection but that took the pressure off having to have sex....(in a serious way please)

Thanks xx