Trying to conceive
- Trying to conceive
DP just told me he doesn`t want kids, ever :(
7/7/08 15:25
7/7/08 12:01
TTC is such an emotional rollercoaster for our DPs as much as us. It sounds like a knee jerk reaction to me. Maybe he is worried that there is something wrong with him and just doesn't want to face up to that possibility. I hope you managed to talk to each other and come to some sort of agreement. Good luck whatever you decide to do hun XX7/7/08 09:23
He actually sounds really immature. Sorry if this sounds harsh, it just comes across that he isn't up to the responsibility of looking after you and your family.
I was in a relationship where the guy didn't want to get married and was basically keeping me there because it was better than having no one, and when the time came, he left me for someone else, and he is now repeating the process.
Ultimately, what do you want for your family? A man who is excited and supporting and 100% into you and your children, or someone who sulks and is looking to only meet his needs?
No woman deserves to be messed around over this- ttc is so hard emotionally without someone changing their mind in a big way.
7/7/08 08:51
How's it all going Loopy Lou? Been thinkin of u...Did u get to have a proper heart to heart yet? X
6/7/08 12:07
hi
i couldn't read and not post. i can see the catch 22 situation your in. with me and my ex when i first met him i didn't want kids and i knew he didn't want more than the 1 he had already with his ex wife, i even looked into being sterlised and he made me not do it. over a year into our relationship i then sub conciously starting making hints about having babies. it came to a head 13th feb 2005 and we ended up having a serious discussion about it and he told me i wanted babies and he couldn't give me that so finished it right there and then. i was truly gutted and spent months crying i even texted him many times begging him not for it to be over and that i could live without children. he wouldn't let me and aug 05 i met dh.
me and dh agreed early on that we both wanted children and marriage and all the rest that comes into it. we have been ttc for nearly 3 years as we've never used contraception and had 2 mc's but were now being referred. basically its going to have to be time to sit down and discuss what you both want out of your futures and if they match up. if it doesn't then unfortunately honey it maybe time to walk away (heavy hearted though that may be)
best wishes xxxx
6/7/08 11:22
Good luck hunny, knowing the truth can be hard, but living a lie is far worse. Be sure to be honest with how you feel.
xxxxxxxxxxx
6/7/08 10:57
Thanks for all your replies. I'll speak to him tonight, and keep you all posted
xx
6/7/08 08:48
A relationship is about give and take, and compromise.
Don't text, talk to him face to face, text is far too easy to misinterpret, for one, you can't see the reaction a comment makes, so can come across as being something it isn't.
Tell him what you want, then ask him what he wants.
If what you both want out of life isn't the same, then you both need to decide your future together. If you stay you may regret it, If you go, you may regret it.
A relationship is as strong as the people in it, text is such a lazy and impersonal way to discuss your future. Having children is such a big step to take in any relationship, and if one doesn't really want that then the impact on a child could be devastating. I'ts something you need to both want, it's not something you can talk someone into. You can put the +'s across, and it is normal for couple's to have children, but it's not for everyone.
There may be some underlying issue with your dp, maybe he is just apprehensive about taking that big step, and too scared to talk to you about it and is taking the "easy option"
Talk to him, leaving him without knowing the real reason could be a costly mistake.
Hope it all works out for you.
Lisa xx
6/7/08 08:24
He is saying then that after agreeing to ttc he has changed his mind totally and now wants to deny you children, this is such an awful position for you to be in, that HE has put you in and to be honest if this is not a panicking man thing then he is basically saying he doesnt care if you dump him or not and that he doesnt car for your feelings too as you have said he knew you wanted children and he knew you were both ttc and probably how excited you are about a child in the furture and has cruely taken this away and buggered off refusung to sit and speak to you about this like an adult!!
Im so sorry, but maybe give him a good week on his own with his own thoughts!!
Because you also need to do some serious thinking, then if he will, spak to him face to face to decide on your furtures together or apart!
I was in a relationship with someone for 7 years and i left him because he told me he will never want to marry and definatly doesnt want children! I loved him but I wasnt going to stay with him if I couldnt have children, a family!! I went travelling round Austrailia for 3 months came back told him it was definate over, he was gutted, and 6 months later i met my lovely Matt and that was over 5 years ago now and we are getting married next May and we have a gorgeous 3 year old little boy who we get so much enjoyment from we would like one more child to complete our family but sadly its taken over 2 years so far but it will happen we have plenty of time!!
And the guy I finished with is a sad man on his own working in a factory now and he deeply regrets the desission he made!! Im Happy!!!!
6/7/08 01:56
hi there, sorry to hear of the situation right now.....from earlier posts i understand you have been ttc for 18 months. From experience (we have been ttc#1 for 7 years) i would say that such reactions like you are experiencing from dp are natural, given that some months have passed since you started out on your ttc journey. When we start planning our families everthing in the garden is rosy and then when it takes a bit longer for the bfp to materialise then emotions tend to get sky high and we say and do things out of character.
The only advice i can offer is to have a frank and honest chat with your dp when you have both calmed down a bit - nothing concrete can ever be determined in the heat of the moment. You need to find out if he is having a wobble or if its a fundamental issue. I hope its the former, and you can sort it out and get back on track. If its a deeper rooted issue then harsh as it may sound, you need to be honest with each other and if deep down you dont want the same things then you will have to decide where you go from here.. TTC is such an emotive and highly charged subject and it tests our relationships but thats not to say that you can't sort it out and move forward together.
The last 18 months will have stressed you out more than you both realise so maybe its a good thing that it's come to a head this wkend as you will have the chance to talk about it and get both of your fears, hopes and expectations out in the open iygwim.I hope you get things sorted out xx
6/7/08 00:03
And to top it all off, I'm due OV this weekend
xx
6/7/08 00:01
Well I'm still no further forward with him. I didn't text him back after last message, so he text taking it as I was finishing with him. I told him not to take it as anything, as I needed to think. He said, think about what, dumping me? And I said no, my future, and I can't see it without kids. Then he replied with, ''So you ARE thinking about dumping me. And it's because i dont want to have kids. Well it's a good a reason as any to get rid of me and find some1 new.x x''
And I said, It's because you don't want what I want, You know i've wanted kids my whole life? Last year you said we could try for one, and now you changed your mind! You'll end up like your uncle, rich, but lonely.''
His uncle also told his DP that he ddn't want kids, she ledt him, ended up married with kids, and he's living on his own in Saudi, with no friends or family. How sad is that?
Then I wrote, '' You already decided you dont want to live near home forever, now your deciding you dont want kids! Both decisions that affect me, and both i have no say in.''
He never replied so I asked him to talk to me, and he said' And say what?.
Why is it so hard! I'm hoping he doesn't mean it, but at the same time if he does mean it, I dont want to waste my time, sounds harsh, but it's true. What's the point if we don;t have a future?
I just don;t know what to do
xx
5/7/08 16:21
To be totally honest, if you've been TTC for 18months I reckon he may think there is something wrong with him, I mean... men are bigger sulkers than us right? Sounds like you just need to have a damn good talk, let him speak and put your point across and how it makes you feel!
Hope all goes well!!
Ashley xx
5/7/08 15:11
Hi loopi, so sorry you are going through a rough time at minute x
About a year or so before we started ttc, my dh said that he wasn't sure that he wanted kids ever also. To put it mildly, I hit the roof and told him that if this was the case, he should have told me before we married because he knew 100% that it was what I wanted. I told him that if he really doesn't want kids then we were finished because I had to start looking for someone that did. Sounds harsh but I meant every word.
Afterwards he apologised loads and said that he did want kids but was just scared at that time and didn't feel ready. So thats why he blurted out that he didn't want them. Now that we are trying, he is totally involved and passionate about it. I am now cycle 8 and we have never been closer.
So I suppose what I am trying to say is that men often find it hard to explain what they are feeling, as some of the other posters said -your partner is prob annoyed that it is taking so long and feels its a reflection on him. So maybe like my dh, he blurted it out without fully meaning it.
You could give him an ultimatum or else have a talk and explain that you know he may be annoyed but ask why he has changed his mind so drastically after 18 months.
Good luck hun x
5/7/08 14:25
Thanks girls. I think he means it though. He's not coming home tonight, not til 2mrw, so I told him we need to have a big talk 2mrw, and he said ''Are you going to dump me?''. I don't think he's mature for kids just now. To which I replied, ''do you want me to?'', He said ''No, if i did I would of done it myself. And if you are going to dump me, can you do it now.''. We've not spoke since. To top that off I've just had a dear work collegaue on the phone saying he might leave
What a rubbish time just now......I'm gonna speak to SIL this afternoon, tell her everything about TTC etc, she always has good ideas, she is his sister after all.
I just want him to want this as much as I do, now he doesn't even want it atall
xx
5/7/08 09:44
Loopy,
If he really really meant it give him the choice, have kids with you or have no one and leave. If it was said in an arguement i doubt he meant this - my dp is like that sometimes and he is so excited to be a daddy soon
Try and talk to him about it, after 18months he probably feels like he cant do the 'job' of getting you pregnant and may be embarrassed about it and let down - hopefully he will open up to you and you can work things out.
Goodluck hun, pm me if you need me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sarah & bean
6w
5/7/08 09:05
if u have been trying for 18 months it could be that hes scared to keep getting his hopes up each month so hes giving himself a safety net, hope u get it sorted soon sweety, thinking of you xxxxx
5/7/08 08:25
Hi Lou, I noticed one of your posts the other day that you've been ttc for 18 months, how can he suddenly change his mind?! Men!
I guess you will have to weigh up what means more to you, him or kids...by the sound of it you've prob already answered that question by wondering if you should leave him and find someone who wants the same things as you.
How about kind of giving him an ultimatum, that you may have to leave if he doesn't want kids, he already knows what it means 2u but does he realise you may consider leaving him over this?
The other possibility may be that he doesn't really mean it but its his way of dealing with his emotions thru the difficulties of ttc. I think men react diff 2 us when there are difficulties, we get emotional and want to talk, they get stubborn, proud and angry, almost like it knocks their ego/manhood?
I guess you both just need to have some time out and have some fun, have a night out or a mini break and try and get him to open up with what's really going on in his head and heart.
Praying 4u and thinking of u hun x
5/7/08 08:22
i have bump up the thread titled:-
DP not ready, anyone in the same boat?
hth
5/7/08 07:52
Hi,
Thats what my dp said but I fell pregnant accidently and we now have 2 children and he is a great dad and loves them to bits!
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Thanks so much for the huge response
We had a chat, well row, last nite, and everything came out. He's worried about money. He has a few debts to pay off, and worries that kids could bring us even further down that road. He says he might want children later, but at this moment in time he can't see that far ahead. we could win the lottery on Saturday, and start TTC there and then, but until we're more financially stable he doesn't want kids, end of.
He also brought up the fact that when we decided TTC in March last year, the deal was that I would move down with him and get a job. Which I so far haven't done. In the meantime his mate has moved in to help him with the rent etc, and he now says there's no room for me
To which he later said I could move down if I wanted 
I suppose it is the wrong time for us just now to have kids. I'm just finding it hard to accept that I won't be as young as I'd like to be when we do try again.
So in the meantime, I'm gonna go out there, get myself some more life experience so I have lots of stories to tell our babies when they do come along...........
Thanks girls (((HUGS)))
xx