mini's diary
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17/9/08 07:30
16/9/08 14:58
Hi hunni,
First of all, here's a big cyber hug :
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Second.. Thanx for posting on my diary.
Ttc is a really hard thing to do for so long, when i begin to feel sorry for myself i think of the people like you who've been trying for so much longer, i will reach the 3 year mark in Dec. Then you get all the newbies that come on and only ttc for 1 - 3 months and get a bfp, this makes me wonder how fair it all is... And it makes me tempted to do drastic things like order Clomid online, although i won't.
This site for me too is the only place to go to say the things that i can't say to anyone else, even dp, so i understand the need to keep a diary, my friend is going through a divorce, my cousin lives just down the road from me told me that my mc shouldn't affect me cos it's not a baby until it's born, this made me realise what a heartless b1tch she is, so i don't tell her anything, i have no one else to talk to.
Please get all the fertility treatment... after 7 years you're definately entitled to it, i'd love to be able to come on here one day and see you announce your bfp.
16/9/08 11:10
Kerry nothing I say will help in anyway, so I shall just leave you a mega load of {l]
and (((((HUGS))))) instead xx16/9/08 11:00
Kerry...just dropping off a load of (((((((HUGS)))))))) Thinking of you hunni xxx
16/9/08 07:13
How did you get on yesterday Kerry? I hope talking lightened the load a little for you.
With lots of love,
KatxxxPS. Karen - I know you'll be back in here. I hope you are OK, I thought things were going good for you and now your post has made me worry about you too. Love to you too.
15/9/08 20:52
Hey Kerry
It made me so sad to hear you so overwhelmed in sadness. Like others have said before me, there aren't words.... For you, it's been too long and too hard and I can't beging to imagine how that feels. I just hope and pray that your turn will come, whether it be through natural determination or by a route of treatment that I know you find difficult to venture on
I hope that happier days lie ahead very soon for you, but am here for you in the mean time while you need friends around you that try to understand your plight
Lots of love
L xxxxx
15/9/08 10:42
Kerry, I just want to send you loads of love & hugs. I don't really know what I can say that will help. I know that life is shít and so very cruel (will pm you as to why rather than fill your diary with my woe & misery).
Take care chick and thinking of you xxxx
15/9/08 08:32
You might be different person now but you are no less of a person either. I know I have some new good qualities that I would never have developed if ttc had been easy, and I think they outwiegh the bitter miserableness I suffer sometimes. And if thats happened to me then it sure has happened to you too, you might not feel it sometimes but you are probably much stronger now than you were 7 years ago, and I bet you are much less likely to make assumptions about people and much better at empathising with them too. You are pretty fab electronically so I can only imagine what a top friend you are in the flesh.
I guess your friends and family just avoid the subject for fear of rocking the boat. They probably think your brave face is actually real and that you are dealing with it. If you thought somebody was bravely dealing with something you wouldn't mention it either. I bet though, you do have a friend that could do the real hugs and coffee if you let them. Maybe you just need to open the floodgates and tell somebody how it really feels. I don't think they don't want to listen, its just that at the moment there is nothing to listen too because you are keeping it all in. Stop pretending all the time and let somebody in to help, maybe your councellor will be that person, but they don't do hugs do they? Find somebody to confide in Kerry, I don't need to tell you how much it will help.
And one more thing, 'childfree' is much better then 'childless'. One of my annoying friends uses it all the time in his dink/twink talk but I have adopted it now and feel more positive about it. Its a temporay thing though and you and me won't will be childfree forever and I find that 'childfree' hurts a lot less than 'childless'.
Lots of love and hugs coming your way and I really hope your appt today helps and gives you a leg up onto that moutain you have to climb.
Katxxx15/9/08 00:48
Kat i just wanted to say thanks, your reply was the post i needed right now , it means a lot to know that someone , with the same mountain to climb makes sense of my ramblings and yet is able to find the time to offer support and motivation really does spur me on at the moment. What you said about not being the same person before you started ttc is spot on, i empathise and relate completely.(((hugs))) I just feel that our family and friends have moved on from supporting me and dh, its not that they mean to, its just that life is moving on for everyone and our childless state has gone from being the elephant in the room so to speak to the situation where its just dismissed out of hand and is no longer a path we are going to go down.- i could handle the well meaning quips and innuendos, but when they are removed altogether and it feels like everyone has written you off as a childless couple hurts like hell. I guess people to be fair dont know how to deal with it as all our circle of friends have kids. Maybe our friends and family are respecting our privacy and dont want to bring the subject up - i would prob be the same if i had 2.4 children and was trying to support my close friend who had fertility probs. Its for this reason that i liken it to grief - its sometimes the case that the only thing you want to talk about is the very thing you cant talk about and i just feel right now that i need a good listener but no one wants to listen. Bounty is fantastic for support and encouraging each other to talk frankly about how we feel but its not quite the same as a good ole real life chat, cuppa and cuddles.
K xxxxxxxxx
13/9/08 19:04
I'm trying to work at the mo but I'm a bit distracted thinking about your story. I'm mainly ranting about how unfair life has been to you, wishing there was a way to make it better, and wishing I could halve my happiness today and share it with you.
Now I'll stop cluttering your diary ((((HUGS))))
Thinking of you, Katxxx
13/9/08 13:36
Firstly (((((HUGE HUGS))))) Secondly, grieving makes complete sense to me. Grieving the loss of somehting you have never had might seem strange to some people but I really do think that is what it is. I certainly can't think of what else to call it. And being resentful sometimes surely is just because your heart has too much love in it and it is figthing to get out
There really isn't anything I can say to help you but I really do hope that your session on monday helps you to start understanding what you need to do. Somewhere deep in your heart and head is the direction you need to go in but I think after so many years its just too deeply buried but with some work it'll come to the surface and you can start making progress again.
If I stop and think about FB ttc options, it really is frightening so I try and think as little as possible. I know my thoughts won't help you in anyway so I'll not share them but I do know I'm not the same person I was before I started ttc, and I very much doubt that you are either. Each pitfall means we lose another little piece of our hearts and I guess we just have to find ways to use it to make us stronger in the future.
Hang in there, and as much as you shouldn't have to be, you do just have to be brave and keep on fighting. I'll be here fighting your corner for you too right up to the day you come on and say you are happy and your life is complete.
Lots of love Kerry, I wish I could make things right for you.
Katxxx
13/9/08 01:28
not really got the heart for posting but feel its important that i keep my diary updated with my thoughts and feelings. All time low of lows this week, spent most of tues and wed in tears, just having such a hard time reconciling my mental and physical emotions right now. I feel quite resentful , its like i have been trying to do something for so long and all the time everything stays the same and tbh earlier this week i was like omg i cant bear waking up to another day with the same old, same old on offer. Then i got a grip of myself (with the help of a good friend on msn), made a docs appt and a counsellors appt and am feeling in control again. Got my counsellor appt on mon then my gp the following monday.
Am still in a quandry as to what to do, some days i am happy with my lot and then others i just want to disappear under the duvet with sadness. I just wish i had the strength of character and conviction to commit to this 100%. I guess its just too long spent hoping and being patient and then wham bam thank you mam it gets you in the gut and you realise that the last several years of your life have been focused on the hope of something happening. Anyhow, i know its just a blip and yet another survival tactic and with the right support i will ride the storm but omg if i thought ttc hurt at 1, 2 and 3 years, it dont half hurt with bells on 7 years on.
I'm terrified of fertility treatment and the odds of failure and yet i am terrified of not doing it and i know for others the decision is clear cut and nothing ventured, nothing gained etc but i just dont seem to be able to get my head in that right place and i hate feeling like this. I do need to work with my counsellor on these fears as it is a huge factor in how me and dh move forward in this journey.
The only way i can describe how i feel is that i feel i am grieving and i know that sounds daft but i feel i am suffering the loss of a child - its just that my loss is a child i never conveived or had the honour to know.
9/9/08 09:51
kerry, i hear your thought and echo them. ttc is cruel on so many levels and your situation is not any less than our dear friends who have suffered their losses,
i hope your life, althhough busy, is going well. X
8/9/08 23:25
Am absolutely gutted for Emma (E-Lou) on the loss of her darling baby son, baby Zach, delivered full term, sleeping (((hugs))) sometimes life just seem so harsh and things happen that are unexplainable - i cant imagine how they are feeling right now but i pray they will get through this ((((hugs)))
we have also heard that dh's cousin has lost her second baby, again quite late on in her pregnancy. I'm not suggesting that losing early on is any easier but when you are over that 20 wk mark and for it to happen a second time is just hearbreaking. She now has two angel babies and has had to deliver them both.
Its weeks like this that ttc just breaks your heart. My thoughts right now are with all those who have lost their precious babes xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
30/8/08 00:06
Hey Girls, thanks for your messages xx ps Kalee - i do love your little miss pmt photo
i am sat here so late on a fri night cos dh is away till sunday on a golfing weekend - left at 2pm today and i was
when he left - i am due af in the next few days so its just hormones making me feel like this lol xxxxxxxxxxx As much as he drives me up the wall i dont half miss him when he aint here. If im honest i am putting off going to bed cos thats when it hits you that you are home alone 
Kinda fallen off the wagon with the healthy eating - been so busy this week with work and stuff and not got to the shops to do the whole healthy wholesome ingredient stock up - its been more takeaways and ready meals - so bad xx but its just a blip and i am going to get up early tomorrow and go for a swim and then if the weather is nice i am going to take my niece's wee boy out for a very long walk.
Having my mates round tomorrow night for dinner, drinks, x-factor and a good ole fashioned girls night in - cue hairbrushes for microphones........lol xxxxxxxxxx
29/8/08 12:35
Hey hunni,
Just bumping you up and just wondering how you are.... How's the diet going?? I finally started mine...and i'm not even missing the crisps and chocolate, i thought it would be hard to get motivated but it wasn't, i just thought that if i could give up smoking, then dieting should be a breeze, lol.
24/8/08 20:34
Hey honey
Just popping in with some love and hugs. Always thinking of you and hoping still that your dream will come true one day very soon
Love Lambkin xx
24/8/08 20:05
I bet those whipper snappers don't remember the flumps either. Imagine growing up without Scott, Charlene and the flumps. It doesn't bare thinking about. I'm glad we are old and I am deffo more distinguished now I'm grey! Annd we'll all make better mummies now we are so mature ans sensible.
and (((HUGS)))Katxxx
23/8/08 10:08
Hey K
Thanks for dropping off a load of labour vibes in my diary - hopefully it wil do the trick! I will leave a load of industrial strength
in return. LMAO at Karen too...I think we are ALL just old... scarey isn't it that these kids won't remember the Neighbours wedding of Scott and Charlene!! It does make you think doesn't it??
n (((((HUGS))))) as alwaysEm xxx
22/8/08 10:33
lol at Karen. Surely they are still kids if they were born in 1988 ..... or are we all really that old?
You are on your healthy living scheme for yourself aswell as ttc kerry so don't forget that.
Hope you have a lovely weekend,
katxxx
Just dropping off todays dose of really really big ((((HUGS)))))
Katxxx