Kat`s less bumpy road to her dream
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- Kat`s less bumpy road to her dream
23/11/08 07:51
22/11/08 18:07
lots of ((((hugs)))) for you Kat.
Firstly you should be proud of yourself for doing 2 days worth of the homework...it sounds like other mad bureacratic nonsense has taken over for a little while but the counsellor will be impressed that you made a start...with everything you have going on and as you were not really sure about the sessions in the first place you have done well (thats not supposed to sound patronising in anyway - hope it doesn't) AND you are looking forward to going back. Deep down somewhere your mind / body knows that it is doing you good although it may take a while for you to actually notice it yourself.!!
I wish I had more advice on the birth certificate thing..but Kat...we all know that you will get through all the norwegian nonsense and you will have that lo in your arms. I'm not going to say it will be easy as obviously it isn't...but ..you will do it and you and your dh and your lo will be so happy together.
Lots of love and hugs
lou xx
21/11/08 22:00
OK, I've punched a few things, shouted a bit and cried a lot. Did any of that solve the problem? Nope, but the glass of wine is helping ease it. I don't know how much more I can cope with, somebody out there is trying to tell us something and I don't know how much fight I have left. Right now I would give anything to be happy, not for a whole day or anything, but just for an hour or so. Just a little while feeling good, actually, just a little while feeling nothing would be better than this. I feel like I'm about to crack and I don't know how to stop it
The homework thing was short lived noonoo and I only did the first 2 days
although I suspect she'll be impressed I did any at all. I have my next session on monday and I'm sort of looking forward to it now. I don't feel it helped particularly but I just need somewhere to go and cry where its allowed if that makes sense. I think I'm just exhausted and by Monday I'll feel fine.Chick news for Sam - its a good job we failed to have our baby as I'm not sure I could manage being a mum and a chicken keeper lol. Dawn for us in summer is 3am, which is when my girl chicks decided to get up and pretend to be boy chicks. Black out curtains fixed that issue though. Lilchook molted in autumn but Fatchook has decided to molt now. Our max temp at the moment is about -5 and the poor thing has no feathers apart from on her feet lol. Bless her, she doesn't come out of her house much. We have decided to get more next year though. We are going to get eggs for them to hatch - how cute will that be.
Min - you didn't patronise at all. Thanks for your kind words. I'm sorry you missed our msn fests. They were so long ago, when we all so naively thought that one day we would get BFPs. It was fun though, MiniHaHa used to sing to us if we were lucky and we laughed a lot and cried a lot too. Then I guess some of us realised our dreams were too far away to think about so often and we found other ways to feel better. I can still be found on msn though sloshing around in the bottom of a wine bottle at some point over the weekend if you ever fancy setting the world straight on a few things lol.
Lots of love and thanks,
Katxxx
21/11/08 18:50
Aw hunni, that sounds so so stupid I'm feeling your anger from here! Big (((hugs))) and hope you get something sorted xxx
21/11/08 13:27
I haven't read your posts yet I just need to rant.
Helvete heller!!! Fæn og!!!! Helvete heller!!! Fæn og!!!! Helvete heller!!! Fæn og!!!! Helvete heller!!! Fæn og!!!!
How the bloody hell am I supposed to get my birth certificate and marriage certificate in f*ing norwegian ......... and for fæn, why? They don't speak norwegian in Colombia anyway!!!!! AND, how do you get a current date on your birth certificate, I wasn't born today I was born 34 f*ing years ago. I hate this stupid country sometimes.
Aaarrrrgggghhhh. Deep breaths, deep breaths. Just had to get that off my chest so I don't rip the head off the next norwegian that comes to speak to me lol.
Katxxx20/11/08 21:45
Hi Kat,
well done on your first visit..and on doing ur homework
Sorry I dont want to sound patronising saying well done because i dont mean it that way(DH always says i sound patronising when i say well done). But Im hoping u know me well enough by now to know I mean it in the best possible way. I know this was a big step for u..and it makes me really happy to know u have finally taken it. Remember..there will be some times when u find it harder than others and question why ur even doing it if it makes u feel worse...but thats all part of the process.. u will see light soon. Make sure u keep updating us. If u feel like it of course. I say this because we are ur friends and want to help u through the ups and downs just as u do with us.
Erm...on a more SERIOUS AND DEFINITELY MORE IMPORTANT NOTE!!!!! Where the hell was I when all these gossipy red wine nights were goin on. I love talking and red wine..whats goin on there??????????? I remember now, I was possibly on the clomid boards in the FT section...I only joined because I felt left out..then everyone got preggers and i was left on my lonesome. Until of course Scarlett and jo made an appearance months later!!! All that time wasted when i cud have been guzzling wine and putting the world to rights with u guys..Im gutted!!!
Lots of
hugs to u KatI know u will feel better soon.
Minnie xx19/11/08 22:44
Thank you for welcoming me Kat
you are always welcome in my diary hun. Well done for talking, this a HUGE step you've taken and it's certainly not an easy one so again big well done to you. Also you wrote that you were not sure if you would make a good mummy but all I can say is to what I know from you, you would make an excellent mummy and I think you don't give yourself enough credit. You seem to be a generous person so please don't give yourself too much hard time ((((((((((HUG)))))))))19/11/08 21:50
Hey Kat, I'm so pleased that you managed to talk in your 1st session I can't believe how far you've come, I know that there's still a long way to go but well done Mrs!
Btw I've been awol for so long I've not heard the fate of your chicks now they're all grown up, have you any left now? xxx
19/11/08 11:03
Kat
to you.You have taken the hardest step in going to you first appointment ...so well done and big (((((hugs))))) from me for doing it.
I'm so glad you didn't find it too difficult - I think most people in that situation would find it hard to start talking so you have done great....and you have done your homework aswell!!!!!!.
I'm really happy that you are going back and I will keep checking for your updates when you feel you can.
You know we are always here for you...even if you are a stubborn old goat lol !!!!!!, seriously though, I'm really pleased that you went for it and I really hope it will work for you.
Lots of
and big (((hugs)))lou xx
19/11/08 07:43
I forgot to say thanks to you too Sam. As you can't give me a hug in person, can you donate mine to Amber please
. Thanks for coming back when things are so hard for you too right now. (((HUGS))) and 19/11/08 07:40
I just wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. When I think back to 3 years ago when the FBs had our msn and red wine nights, I know that extracting feelings from me was like getting blood from stone, thank you for nagging (Laura and Lisa you are particularly good naggers
) until I talked. And Ali don't ever say you don't help - you do, I guess more than you think. And thank you to my newer friends too (you are probably not so new but its too sad to think about how long you have been unfairly stuck on this board) because if you hadn't replied on here then I wouldn't have written down my feelings and then I would have got nothing from my appt.She had to work hard I admit but I did talk to her in the end, and can proudly say I can now be flippant and sarcastic in norwegian too lol. I have even done my homework which I didn't think I'd do. Each day I have to write down my feelings - I didn't ask what I do with it then though? She asked how the session was and I said my worst nightmare, then she asked if I wanted to go back and I said yes, so it can't have been that bad I guess.
She has put my head in turmoil though and I know I'm not ready to come back here yet, but I just had to come and celebrate the arrival of Abigail Faith
you have been my rock of a long while now Laura and you so deserve this.Lots of extra love for Min and Scarlett - your turns will come and I understand too well how FT BFPs can make you feel empty but I really can't wait to be shouting from the rooftops with you when your dreams come true too.
to Jo and NooNoo and and (((HUGS))) to all the FBs, where would I be without you all.Katxxx
PS. You'll be pleased to know that the offical verdict is that I am a pesmistic stubborn old goat ....... nothing new there then lol.
17/11/08 15:05
Hi hun firstly big big (((hugs))) I really wish I could pop on a plane and give you a real one xx
Thing is hun you are not in any way a selfish brat, just because you have a wonderful life in every other way does not stop the most natural urge in the world and does not stop you feeling awful for not being able to have what you want most in the world., The other thing you’ve got to remember is you’d swap all you have (except DH obviously!) for your baby, all us FB’s would that’s why we found each other. The counsellor won’t say you’re selfish cos you’re not in fact you’re the opposite cos you want to give your love to someone else. I really hope your 1st session goes well and you can talk but even if you can’t you’ve made a big step. Loads of
Sam xxx17/11/08 05:57
Hey Kat I remember typing a post so similar to yours when I got my 2nd BFN. I was so lucky in so many ways maybe my luck had run out and I should try and be happy with what I have got and not be greedy etc etc. You were the first person to reply to that post giving me the same advise everyone has given you.
We are all entitled to happiness and there is no limit to it. This is not about being greedy this is a yearning inside that is a very natural feeling. There are people on this earth who are born to be parents and you are one of them. You will fight to get there but you will feel that happiness in the end.
You need things in your life at the moment Kat that put a smile on your face even if for a short time. You need to carry on living your life no matter how hard so book those holidays and plan those trips as it will keep you going in the meantime. Never think of it as a substitute as it won't be but it may make the wait slightly more bearable.
Much
Jo x16/11/08 23:03
Hi Kat
Right then missy, you are not selfish or a brat or any of those other things you called yourself. I totally relate to what you said about planning your next holidays / weekends away. Its something to focus on, something that makes you feel good, and I know because I have done it myself for those moments of planning, getting ready for and going away, your mind is temporarily focused on something else.
I myself have planned the next holiday while sat on a beach. What car I'm going to have next, what I can get for the house next, what new shoes I can get next. Its a way of coping and I think a good way. You are planning something for you and your dh to enjoy - what is wrong about that....absolutley nothing. You deserve it and so does your dh.
Ive said on many occassions to people who raised eyebrows about 'another holiday' that I'm being selfish while I can, because one day, I won't be able to go away at the drop of a hat and one day you will be in that situation too!!!
Also, you could think about translating your post and taking it with you, or writing a few things down. You might not be brave enough to show it at first, but it may help? Even if you don't show it for weeks, it may be worth a try. I know I find it easier to write down my feelings. Just a thought. You do and say exactly what makes you feel comfortable though.
Sorry for the waffle and spelling mistakes - I couldn't read your post and not reply tonight.
Lots of
and (((hugs))) xx16/11/08 18:50
Ok I may be of no help what so ever but let me say one thing, you are not being a selfish greedy brat you are only feeling how every normal human female should feel. If you are a selfish greedy brat thats makes me one too and if that means that I have you as a friend then so be it we can be selfish greedy brats together.
Like I said no help what so ever but please know that I do know in a way how you are feeling. Not everyone gets what they want, some get it eventually and some get it way to easy for my liking and don't appreciate what they do have.
You know where I am should you need me
and (((((HUGS)))) as always xxsorry for waffling but I need you to know that you are not alone, you have all your friends with you somewhere xx
16/11/08 18:41
Thanks for all your kind words, they make me feel so many things, warm and loved, and so sad too. Thanks for calling in dge, gatecrashers are always welcome, I know you have a diary and one day I'll call in I promise.
I need to have a little rant I think and I don't know where else to go and maybe if I talk now it'll help sort my thoughts then I'll be able to at my appt on Tuesday - one of my biggest fears is that'll I'll not be able to talk when I get there.
I tried really hard yesterday to appreciate my life. I was sat in the sun on my deck looking at the most amazing view from my dream house. I have a husband I love and who loves me, I have a career I enjoy (OK, not the current workload), I have a family that would fly over tomorrow if I told them I needed them and I have friends who would be here in a shot if I ever told them the truth about how I am and I spent yesterday planning my snowboarding holidays and snow kiting weekends.How many people can actually say that? So why does one small thing have to matter so much? Why can't I just flick the switch off? I feel like a selfish greedy brat. I have so much but I'm still complaining. Maybe my selfish greed is the reason I can't have my dream - maybe its my punishment. I get so angry at myself for being so greedy, then so sad that maybe its my own fault I'm so unhappy and then so angry again for being so pathetic ......... and then it all goes round and round again. Somebody told me that I can't hide my unhappiness by working too hard but I honestly don't know what to do with myself if I don't work too hard. Sad as it is, that is my life, working too hard to hide everything else.
Right, now if I translate all that into norwegian I'll be ready for my counselling appt. I'm so scared about going. I'm so frightened about what they'll say. Its one thing calling myself a selfish cow but I don't know if I want to hear it form somebody else. I'm also frightened that she'll think I'll not be a good mummy. I question it myself, if I can't handle life now how will I handle it with responsibilities. Again, its OK for me to say it but if she tells me too then what do I do. I just keep thinking about Kerry and how I know it helps you and then what you told me too Min, and hoping I'm brave enough to go through with it.
Big sigh, all off my chest now
Katxxx
16/11/08 07:26
Hi Kat
I can only echo the sentiments of everyone on here. Please take care of yourself. Although you are not putting yourself through the physical rigmorale of treatment you still need to look after yourself physically and mentally to ensure your well being.
You have been under an incredible amount of pressure for a very prolonged period of time and there is no wonder that the cracks start to show. I am glad you have booked your session with the counsellor and I am sure they will tell you to start prioritising yourself. You have to be selfish now to enable you to realise your dreams in the future.
Kat you are often in my thoughts along with a special couple of girls on the FT board. I hope you all have very happy times ahead as they are so much deserved.
{{{{{hugs}}}}} Jo x
14/11/08 20:36
Hey hun,
Firstly big (((((((((HUGS)))))))))))).
I wish I could make you feel better hunni. The girls are so right when they say you are a wonderful person who has achieved so much. I dont think your current circumstances are helping your situation if Im honest. 60 hr weeks are ridiculous. Put a stop to that ASAP for the sake of your mental and physical health. And taking on others work. Say NO!! You need to plan and prepare to look after yourself for now. The fainting is a warning sign that you are doing to much. No wonder your feeling so negative. All your doing is work which allows no time for rest, relaxation and YOU time.
Have you got any holidays? Why not book a break and then on your return begin councelling. Please dont run yourself into the ground hun. We all care about you hunni. Missed you loads and you have only been away a week!!!
Dont worry I will pass on your message to Scarlett. Your doing the right thing avoiding FT at the mo. Scarlett and I have certainly felt the 'empty' pinch this week.
lots of
hugs and Minnie xxx
13/11/08 17:22
Hi hun, I'm sorry to be rejoining your diary at a difficult time for you but hun don't forget what an amazing person you are, through the ups and downs of the last years you've been so so strong and an amazing support to loads of us here. Its no wonder you broke a weeny bit, thing is hun there's only so much any of us can take on our own and counselling will definately help you deal with the mountain of sh*te you've had to deal with. big big (((hugs))) and
from me xxxx12/11/08 22:32
Hey Kat, i am going to home in on the positive part of your last post - ie the fact you have booked your counselling appt -
with that , i hope the appt comes through quickly as i really do believe that this is going to be beneficial and something that is key to how you deal with the emotional turbulence in your life right now.Just please always remember hunni that you are not failing in every compartment of your life as you say...........you are dealing with things that no amount of discipline or strength or resource could prepare you for or gear you up to deal with it any better than you are doing. You have been pushed to the absolute brink in every compartment of your life and in my eyes you haven't failed by any means of the word....xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You are doing great hunni and coping so much better than you are giving yourself credit for, nothing more can be expected of you right now and it saddens me to hear you so down on yourself. The advice and support you have given me over the last couple of years has been worth its weight in gold. You always know what to say, how to motivate and encourage people to keep going. You are going to be a great parent to some lucky,lucky little person.
(((hugs))) and
Kerry x
Hey sweetie
So sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I've only got a short window to post, but thought I can help with the birth and marriage certificates as we have just had to do the same thing
http://www.gro.gov.uk/gro/content/
You can apply for the certificates which are dated with a current date. Legal documents it appears have to be no more than 6 months old, so your originals count for nothing. When you get the new certified documents through, you need to get an official translator which we found on a local expat website to translate them.... it's a faff, but it can be done
Hope that helps sweetie and the road to your dream becomes shorter very soon and you WILL be a wonderful mother, you really will
Love always xx