Michelle honey I've read it all. All I can is DO NOT WORRY. I tell you for why... my mum and dad split up when I was little bit older than Mia, about 5/6 but before that the cracks appeared and instead of my dad just leaving one day, i witnessed a lot of nasty stuff for such a small girl, I've never forgotten it and never will. So in one respect, at least Mia does not have those memories. Anyway my dad did eventually go, or got chucked out by police for whatever reason and he spent the best years of my life brainwashing me. Telling me things that he thought would make him the number 1 parent. That my new daddy was all these awful things and just using my mum. My mum would naturally worry that he was going to succeed at making me hate her and her boyfriend.

Well obviously any young can get confused, I know, but although I was a typically difficult teenager in the end, I never once believed my dad, or that my mum didn't have my best interests at heart and that was instinctive and intuitive. Even from an early age. I could see lies and bitterness from a mile off.

It's not going to get any harder than this, so try to feel a bit comforted by that, this is the worst it can be as she is low. But it can only get better, with time, patience, LOTS of love and cuddles and special times with you, keeping telling 'mummy and daddy love you very much, daddy lives a long way away now and he can't see you as often as he would like to but he still loves you and so do I'. Keep telling her that. If you sense that she is happy to see her dad, keep letting her. If you feel that she isn't, stop her seeing him. I know what you said earlier to me on MSN about the last few days, but as long as he shows them love and attention and treats them lovingly, the other stuff can wait, not all dad's are cut out to be practical, but as long as he shows them love.

Follow her lead. And I'm always about hun, you can ask me anything, anytime, you been such a help to me xxx

i agree with the others about Drs'/ HV's involvment... u could also in a few months/years ask for the files that way u can show ur daughter that you tried to do what is best for her, and that you took professional advice on how to help her cope with the situ...

how crazy is that? u n Lou? lol random or what....

Hi i dont know if this will be of much help.  My son is 22 months, and since his dad left last aug has been havin probs sleeping. his dad comes and goes in and out of his life when it suits, his last visit was april.

My health visitor is involved now and has referred my son to an organisation called Q 5, not sure if you have it in your area.  They help with childrens emotional probs.  Health V thinks my son wakes for reassurance because like his dad my son thinks im gonna leave,

I haven,t had my appointment through so I cant tell you what they are like, but i just thought maybe your HV  could help or support you in someway.

Sorry to waffle X

Hmmm sounds... like Steve.... cant beleive we were ever married to the same man...

Maybe its time to say look enough is enough... Mia clearly cant go on like this and nor can you, dont ever let him see that he has got this hold over... your strong love hes a total nut case... as for him twising things when the kids are older, he will do

that regardless whether your nice or not now... I look back now and realise he was just a bully and a coward... will just take you to say its all or nothing...

I know as soon as he knew id moved on he become a total arse and told even more lies about me, that was coz id broken that hold...

There is some much i could say but there just isnt the room... lol

Hi hun, hope you and lo are both well.

He wont admit that all of this is harming his daughter, and as far as he is concerned she will get used to it. I really dont know what is best for Mia, i know it cant carry on the way it is, where he sees the kids as and when he wants. As far as he is concerned he thinks i am just twisted and that he is doing the best he can!!!!!!!!! If it was the opposite way round i would do anything and everything to get money etc to see my children regularly, why cant he just see that what he is doing is wrong. I think he still thinks he has a hold over me and that i am going to do whatever he wants to do, i am much stronger now, i just want to do the right thing for the kids.

I am so mixed up as to what to do, i have suffered from depression for 4 years, after he left i was like a whole new person, but now i can feel that slipping as i watch my little girl suffer more and more. I feel helpless and i worry that if i stop contact he will twist everything in the future and she will end up hating me. He is a compulsive liar, and since i split with him i found out that he has basically lied his whole life, and especially so in the 6 years i was with him.

Oh hun... i really feel for you.. i cant ever imagine how hard this is for you all... I guess like everyone else has said maybe its time to say to him that its unfair on Mia todo do this to her... Have you thought maybe going to see your doctor and asking them for advice?

You know where iam if you want to chat... im always about somewhere... Ahh love you live and learn and if we had spoken would you have listened, i know i wouldnt have done... lol...

Its hard to say what to do, if he will absolutely NOT come back to England then I probably would say hold off on the contact until Mia is that little bit older to vent her feelings. It is good to have contact but (IMO) I feel having these set backs every time he visits ISN'T doing her (not so much Will) any good  for now.

Thanks for the replies, we have both told her that we both love her so much. He wont move back to england, he knows how she is suffering as i have told him on numerous occassions, his answer is that she will get over it!!!!  So many times i have wanted to just cut all contact, then i see how she gets when he is not around, and think maybe some contact is better than none??

I feel like a failiure as my little girl is going through all of this hurt and there is nothing i can do to help her apart from be here for her and do the best that i can. She starts reception in september and i just hope that she has an easier time of things than when she started pre school, i worry that all of this is going to damage her long term.

Anyway i am waffling again!!! Should also say that my ex husband is also lou's ex husband! I only found out after he left, i sooo wish i knew before!

Well if that was my little girl and I was her daddy and saw all this pain..........I would be moving back to England no matter what and keeping up very regular contact. How and why are men so different??? I'm sure any mum would do the same, so why are fathers different.

Your story broke my heart I really hope things improve.

omg huni (((((HUGS)))) i dont know what id do in your situation....

my initial reaction was...stop the visits and calls, but i just hate idiots like ur x. feck i say it enough about my lo's father, yet i always let him back, for my lo's sake not his.

have u tried telling him what he is doing to his daughter? have youz as a family, sat and talked to her? to let her know that she is still loved but that daddy will come and go, but mummy is always here (sorry if that sounds condecending, its not ment that way) it may help her if she has both of u telling her that she is loved, but that it is different now...

again massive massive hugs to u and ur lo's

Hi i'm Michelle, i have two gorgeous children Mia who is 4 and William who is 20 months. I have been split with the ex for 10 months now, i am well over it all and so much better off without him but Mia is stil really suffering.

He left a week before she started pre school and so starting was even harder for her and she struggled for a couple of months. He moved to Ireland so his visits have been very eratic. I have done the best i can to keep contact for Mias sake, and for Will but he is still too young and doesn't understand what is going on. He has visited 5/6 times in the 10 months, and the last time it was 3 months since she saw him, she was a real daddys girl so she missed him so much. Through all this i have to watch her suffer and try to make the decisions that i think are best for her, i have tried to get him to make the visits a regular thing but he always has excuses, no transport, no money etc etc. Each time after he has been she goes back to wetting the bed for a couple of nights, and her behaviour is very eratic, i know some of this is down to the age she is at but i hate so much to see her going through all of this hurt. He was over the week before last as he was over in england anyway, so not a planned visit for the kids, after he went on the friday night and the saturday night she wet the bed and spent both days very tearful saying she missed her daddy. In the times when he leaves it months before he visits her she has outbreaks of tears asking for him. He calls 3 times a week but this just seems to remind her and make it worse, so when he left it so long inbetween visits i cut the calls down and this seemed to help.

This week he is back in england again, which again he was anyway and was taking the kids away for a few days, which i agreed to, anyway last night they ended up staying on my driveway, he said to make sure they slept ok in his camper, alothough i think it comes down to money. Today he took them away and Mia was very unsure and i had to reassure her several times that i would still be here when she gets back and that i wouldnt be going anywhere. I said that if she didnt want to go with daddy that was fone but if she did i would be at home and she could call whenever she wanted. She has called tonight in floods of tears, and it eats me up. I dont know how to stop all of the hurt she feels inside, i hate the thought that whenever i am not with her she has doubts as to if i will return, as her daddy just left one day with no pre warning.

If you have read this far well done! and sorry if it is all waffle but i am upset and dont know where to go from here with it all, any advice would be greatfully recieved.