I totaly agree with last post. Also if i was in your shoes (which i have been and currently am)

I would ask to meet with his bit of fluff now girlfriend.If she knew about you when they were having affair then its going to be a difficult meeting at that.

After all i would want to know who is helping look after my Child.And seeing as this is so fresh it may be a while before you can face that.

Good luck hun with it all.

And why should he feel incomfortable about being in his house with his child?

He needs to grow up.

My ex won't come in my house either but thats prob coz i am remarried.

xxxxx

Wow you are certainly a bigger person than me cause I don't think I could be so reasonable after just one month. Tbh even if the situation was different and you had mutually separated I would still say that it is too soon for your daughter to be staying overnight with him, a baby needs their mummy and if you're like every other mother I know then you would have been doing most of the caring and so your daughter will probably wonder why you are not there in the morning or in the night. In my opinion she is too young, I would say she should visit her dad for the day for the time being until she is a good bit older and understands why you are not there also. I would also put my foot down about the other woman being involved at this early stage, they may have been seeing each other for 6 months but they weren't actually a couple, I would tell him that they have to be together at least 6 months before she gets involved cause if they split up it's just another upset for your daughter. That's what I think but I'm a hard b1tch lol. Good luck xxx

ps so what if he feels uncomfortable in your house - who the hell does he think he is!!!!!!

Just a point of view from the other side.

When me and dh met he had a son who was 19 months old. He has always stayed with us for the weekends. He is now 6 and we all get on really well. His mum will even ring me and ask my opinion on things. At first i was cautious and wanted to do things as his mum would. But now we have ur own children and even she knows that not everyone runs a family the same. My step son is used to different rules at different houses but sometimes pushes both sides to see what he can get away with.

At such a young age of 19 months it will just become normal to lo. lo wont even remember all this has they get older its just normal for them. If you don't make an issue of it they will soon get into a new routine.

As a mum i know this will be hard at first and i don't know how i would cope in this situation. Having someone else in you lo's life will be hard for you. If you feel easier doing things gradually take your time and do whats best for you.

As pp's say happening only 1 month ago your still going to be feeling hurt and angry. Just give it time. Once everything settles down you will proberly enjoy the break from lo. I know thats hard to imagine now but it will eventually become normality.

Big hugs, stay strong.

Claire

I would say...think of what is best for your daughter in all this...would she get more confused not spending time with her dad? and, from being a step parent,  I think the longer you delay contact with the other parties in his life and the longer you delay prolonged and over night contacts the older your dd gets the harder it seems to become for them,   I believe the younger they are the easier they seem to adapt,  then again I may be wrong!! also..you seem to be trying to be so level headed about all this and trying to put your emotions to one side which I applaud you for!!  good luck x

Just an idea but how does she get on with his other daughter? Could be she visits at the same time as her - if they get on well this may help her with the "newness" of it all. I agree with all the other ladies - 1 month or so since the split is too soon to make any permanent plans. Perhaps you could try her staying over night once but on the understanding this was a one off to see how it goes, then reevaluate once that has happened.

Thank you all so much, It makes a big difference to know I am not just being difficult and that others agree with me to some extent lol.

I have spoken to him again and have agreed that he can take her to visit for a day on a Sat but I have said that I think over night is to long at the moment.

He has come her a few times but he now says he feels really uncomfortable here and would rather be at his new home with out dd. I have tried really hard to tell him how I feel with out being too nasty, that its harder for him as he still has contact with both his dd's and I have lost my step daughter so I am not trying to concentrate on whats best for our dd and put my feeling to the side. I think he should be able to do this aswell.

I will see how it goes with the day visits and may be can eventually step it up to over night and then the whole weekend. I know he loves her I am just scared that she will get confused coz she is still young and its not been very long since he left.

Any way that you all again,sorry for going on so much, Its just nice to be able to have a rant about it all.

Hi, I really feel for you.   I'm a stepmum with a toddler myself, I can only imagine how hard it must be after a only a month.

When does he have his other child?  Are they close to you?  I ask because I would agree to letting you husband spend a day with your lo at the weekends, but not overnight - at least to begin with.  If he drove over earlier he could be at your house for 10.30 & then spend a full day together before bringing her back at tea time.  The problem is whether this interfears with time with his other child?

You need some time to digest the situation, don't put pressure on yourself to make a decision straight away.  I agree that your lo needs to see her Dad but that doesn't mean you have to let her stay at his new house.  The best way for now, if possible, would be for his to stay at your house.   You could have an evening out and know your little girl is in a safe environment she's used to.  This is very difficult I know but it would be best for your little girl  - & I think you'd feel most comfortable with this arrangement for the next few weeks at least.  You can review the situation when you feel ready.

I would ask that your ex takes your lo o meet his girlfriend a few times before she sleeps there, for your little girls sake.  Once you know your little girl is going to feel comfortable it will be easier for you to cope.  As a stepmum yourself you'll know that, whilst s kids love you, you're still not their Mum and you don't take that place. 

Hope it works out for you

Ok, I dont want to be shot down here and please dont think Im being heartless but heres my thoughts...

Its not nice for you to think of them together. I fully 110% sympathise with that. But you yourself said that he wont get to spend enough time with your lo by coming to visit her at yours. I know its really fresh for you but he has been with the other woman for 6 months, its hardly a week or so. And they ARE living together.

Yes, what she did is wrong, but if she has children and your ex has moved in with them, I would say its pretty serious. At some point your lo will see this woman and will be spending time with them both. Even if you said, come down and you can take her out, theres no guarantee she wont come down with the kids with him.

If it was me, I would be as upset as hell but I wouldnt want lo's relationship/bond with dad to suffer in the meantime by such a small relationship iyswim? I would bite my tongue and maybe agree to once a fortnight over night and 1 day in the week where he/they come down and take her out for the day.

Its just a case of knowing you are her mum and making sure you speak to ex and ensure he knows that is how you feel. Sorry if its jumbled up.

I'm both mother and stepmother but in all honesty I think a month is too soon for you to make this decision and bearing in mind he had an affair think I would would ask him for the time being to come to visit your daughter and maybe see how it goes in few months and discuss this with him its not a long term realtionship yet and may end up splitting up where would your daughter be then? and it's not nice on you thinking of them together at such short time after soplit hth

hey hun,

im both side my dp has 3 children with his ex plus my 2 from previous relationships. my eldest goes to her dad's every other weekend has done since 6 months old. appart from when i moved 5 hours away. then it was 4 days a month! ( it killed me) but his now wife i hated... well in all honesty i still dont like her. but thats coz i think she can be a bit over the top and immuture. but ellie loves her and has bonded with her. (which i hate)

so i have to put up with it. but my youngest has never been to her dad's does even know him. and i wouldnt let him her have coz i dont trust him to bring her back, his gf on the other hand is lovely ( putting aside the fact she was f***ing him while i was preg) she cares more about tam that he does.

from the step mum/ex gf point of view. its very hard, you form some sort of bond with the children knowing in some cases the ex hates you.

sorry if i dont help thought i would put my point across

i might not be able to help too much but my dh has a daughter with someone else and she comes to stay with us. althugh she is adorable and great to have i still worry im doing things the way her mum would. my dhs ex wont meet me to talk about things which i think would help put both our minds at ease if we could discuss routines and our fears. maybe you should meet this other woma and see how she feels. you never know you both might get along which helps in the long run with your child. hth.x

Hi everyone, I am totally confused, I really want whats best for my dd she is 19 months old and her dad finished with me just over a month ago, after having an affair for 6 months, he is now living with the woman he cheated with and want our dd to go and stay with them on a regular basis.

I am worried about how this would effect our dd, new people, new environment and as she is already showing signs of upset behaviour, which is being discussed with my health visitor, I am worried it will upset her even more.

I want her and her dad to spend as much time together as possible but he has moved an hour and half away and can only manage to see her once a week for a few hours, he puts her to bed and then leaves, I know this is not enough, but I just worry that its too soon for her to be going up there to stay with them.

I am also terrified of another woman looking after her, from a selfish point of view I dont know if I can cope with it, or what to do. This woman has 2 daughters herself and my ex has a daughter who I really bonded with over the 5 years we were together.

I am just so confused, I have spoken to my ex about what would happen, and how often he would like her to visit, but I just cant seem to come to a decision about whats the best thing to do, and if she does go how do I personally deal with it?

Any advice would be great. thank you.