it`s not fair to make ds visit ex`s new gf!
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- it`s not fair to make ds visit ex`s new gf!
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30/3/10 14:42
me and my in laws do not get on and they do not know our kids 2 and 5 months old, me and df are very much together. in laws hate that and have tried very hard to split us up got to the point where they banned me from house so i would not let the kids go without me but they were more then welcome in our house.
Mil a few weeks ago has found out she has tumour on her chest not sure if its terminial yet or not. df wants to take kids so coz im not a c*w i agreed but for no more than an hour and it would not be very often at all unless i can be there with the kids after all they have done to the kids.
me and df have agreed that if she is in a bad way then the kids will not go and if she is in hospital and even at her last min on this earth, we have agreed that the kids will not go. i will not have my kids put through that whatever age they are, well done you for protecting your son from unessary upset, i would do the same in your situation. xxx
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24/2/10 22:29
Whilst I can understand your concern, seeing as cancer has already played as massive part in your life, you're not being fair. As with the previous posts, this lady has very little time left and it's unfair for your to demand your ex not see her. If your son has only met the mady a couple of times he is unlikely to get close to her. You have been hurt by cancer very much, but that was because it involved people you loved dearly. If your son meets this lady 20 times he wont grow to love her. My son is 4 and he's meet lots of people only a few times, he only asks after people her grows close to. I can appreciate it's hard but you need to forget about your own experience and look at the situation objectively. You can not shield your son from death and unless it's someone he is very close to he will get over it quickly. Realistically how close will your ds get in such little period? If it was your partner dying & your ex made the same demand would you do it? It's a terrible situation, however, this is life and the chose your forcing your ex to make is completely unfair. Your little boy will be ok, he's doesn't have enough time to get close to this lady. If you force this on your ex then the tension between you and your ex after her death will be hell. He'll resent you for this long after it. Personally I think causing this additional rift between you and your ex will cause much more damage to your ds then seeing his gf. I hope you find a way forward.
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16/1/10 16:51
you are doing the right thing there is no way i would let this happen if the illness has got so bad a child running around a room with an ill person is not ideal. could there not be a change in the rouitine when your ex comes and collects his son at diffrent times like just taking him for lunch or going to the park for a few weeks till things get better .
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11/1/10 18:38
i can understand as a mother you want to protect you lo and i dont really know the situation with your ex to comment however you cant protect your kids from everything and sometimes when you think your protecting them you can actually harm them if you dont give them the tools to protect themselves, it may sound brutal but i think that if chidlren are told things and explained in certain ways it actually prevents them from falling apart when older. My dd is 4 and ds 3 and in december my sister in law who was 38 died suddenly, leaving behind a 17 year old dd and a 8 year old ds. Now i have explained what has happened to my dd and ds and they are fine about it, it just washes over them, coz of there age and the same with my 8 year old nephew, he is more worried about whats for tea than not seeing his mum again, however the 17 year old, who is having her first experience of someone close to her dying, is a complete and utter mess and is not coping, which i can appreciate, but its all to do with age and I personally think that at 4 whether your lo sees the gf or not he is not going to grow up traumatised because someone has died, infact i truly believe the opposite. only you can make the decision
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5/1/10 22:43
i agree with previous poster every day is precious when someone is terminally ill and i agree that 4 year olds will bounce back from something like that i would personally let me child go and see her in this situation but remind my child that jesus wants the lady to go live with him in heaven and be an angel etc i feel sorry for the woman most of all but i guess its down to personal opinon and i may think differently if in that situation
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5/1/10 19:38
I agree with what your saying but find it slightly heartless when u said whats a couple of measly days with ds he spends all week with her, well yes he does but from what yovue said these days are very precious at the moment and to be honest i would be wanting to spend all my time with my partner if he was dying! Maybe not good to introduce your son with it not been a long relationship but maybe ihe would be best not having his son for all the weekend and jsut the day until hes managed to get himself throgu this? just a thoguht he may have only been with her a few months but that love can still be strong x
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5/1/10 18:26
Well done hun, good luck. You're doing the right thing.
Hi, this isn't simply that my ex has a new gf and I'm bitter or jealous about it, the sad situation is that in about August my ex approached me to say that his gf of a few weeks had been diagnosed with terminal breast cancer and was given around 3 months. He said then that they had decided together that our 4yr old ds was not to meet her. I absolutely agreed with this, ds is at an age where death and heaven are his only two topics of conversation for some reason and being 4 I don't think that he would cope with the whole situation.
A few weeks ago ds said that he had been to her house while he was with my ex and I blew up, I told my ex that it as completely out of order to introduce our ds to someone who we know that sooner rather than later will succumb to this horrible disease, that he should not be building a relationship with this woman only to have to go through her death which could by drs predictions be any time.
Anyway, ds was on a visit to my ex this weekend and even after I had reiterated to the ex that ds is not to visit this woman ds came home and told me straight away that he had been taken to see her despite ds himself telling my ex that he was not supposed to go.
I am absolutely furious that my ex can consider putting our son through this, I lost my own father to cancer and then within a matter of months my sister too, I know what devastation cancer causes and I certainly do not want our son to have to deal with all the emotions that comes with it.
My ex and I are at the moment only talking through solicitors (which is costing me a fortune, he gets legal aid) as he refuses speak to me face to face and so I have told the solicitor that I will not under any circumstances allow our ds any contact with my ex unless he agrees not to allow ds to see ex's gf. We have a court order for visitation (even though ds was seeing ex every week he felt it necessary to drag us through a costly court case) which I will be in breach of but I feel I have very good reason to break the order
Am I rigt to do this?