Single dads
- Single dads
- mum to be angry at the csa valuation of our family
20/8/08 12:24
20/8/08 12:08
Kathy, I have 4 children too and worse thing about the CSA is that, they only give you discount for 3 of the 4 children but take the percentage of tax credits awarded for 4 of the children. If you know what I mean. lol
20/8/08 12:03
I've already signed it Draconia.
20/8/08 11:44
kathy i really feel for you honey, my dp had a similar situation with one of his exes where she said she was pregnant, and she'd actually lied about contraception as well as sleeping around when they were together. and she was also violent, she has threatened me, and she has actually attacked him, but we didnt report it because of fear of the kind of barbarians her and her family are. she actually left her baby in the middle of a crowd and jumped over a table at a carboot to attack him while i was pregnant, and the next day, filed for the csa. so she did it out of spite basically. she drinks, smokes, goes out and has holidays and does all sorts of things, the baby has crap whilst she seems always to be doing something destructive, i have no doubt that she spends the csa money on the booze she drinks outside the house her mother bought her, not that child.
the other one, claims benefit, has a partner in the army and flings behind his back while he is away. her family were also violent to dp, i actually worked with her sister once, and the things i heard, well, lets say i havent told dp half of it. that little boy is now around ten years old, we know only which school he goes to and the last time dp saw the mother she was all geared up in designer gear, had another baby, and showed him a picture of the little boy, well big boy now, on her £300 phone and says hes ok but we still, well dp, cant see him and its up to him what he does when hes older, but that she wont allow it because it would upset her new fella too much. wtf is that about. she cheated on dp, with a guy they'd had a threesome with, left him, kept having casual sex in exchange for dp having their son while she went out on the p***, and then stopped it all because she said her family didnt approve of dp and got her new fella to threaten him.
both of these women are absolute cows, and i have to work, losing time with my children, just so we can scrape by? and they can take not only money off dp, but my childrens tax credits? that money is for my kids not theirs but the thick b***s at the csa think my kids should do without for them? it disgusts me. all we do as a new family is lose out big time, moneywise, we lose out on time with our kids for working so much just to survive, we lose out because that little girls family are too violent and thuggish for us to dare to risk trying for access (but shes peachy with dps mother of course, who shows more interest in that girl than either of mine) but attacks dp, oh and because the boys mother thinks its inappropriate because she got bored and wanted a new fella, and now its been nearly 7years and so is pointless anyway to even try for access?
i agree fathers should pay.but i also think that if they are going to pay, the csa should enforce that the paying fathers have access unless there is damn good reason for them not to.
i dont agree nrp and their new families should be financially crippled.
i dont agree that the parent with care should have all the rights.
i dont agree any other child should have any of the tax credits given to my children (take from mine to give to them when they get their own? how is that fair?)
i dont agree that the lifestyle and income of the parent with care isnt considered as well.
and i dont agree that women who love a man who has other children from another relationship should have to sacrifice their relatioship with their own children to work more to make up for how much is taken from their finances.
i have a petition re the csa if anyone wants me to msg them the link for it. and its not biased its calling for the system to be fairer to both sides.
20/8/08 10:45
Thanks for being so nice, not every one understands. The CSA are animals. we have 4 boys but they only take three into consideration because if a man had 4 kids to provide support for he only pays for three. Its barmy. Better than it was tho when they first started up men were killing themselves because they did not take anything including kids into consideration, and could not cope with the payments. You are right tho kids are expensive but we provide his share of rent, gas electric and food even tho it goes straight back to that fat pig Gordon Brown. My kids dont have 243 per month, if the girl had any sence she would get a job cause then that money will be in her hand, to do as she sees fit. I have to save a scrape to get shoes for my boys and we both work. My DH got proper stiched up. Anyway with the 10 she gets she can have 20 fags and a bottle of wine on me. What is the point my DH keeps saying he should go on the dole we keep working more hours to cover the outgoings and with tax for this stealth tax for that, the csa, the goverment are destroying people my hubby deductions are nearly £1500 per month and that before he gets paid, yet apart from child benefit and 35 per week tax credit for 4 kids we get no help at all. Another thing that really got me was the CSA took my tax credit into account as my DH income. As far as i am concerned that money is paid to me to help bring up my kids but they take a percentage of that to. It really made me angry cause that is not his income its mine and my kids are going without now. Its an impossible situation that will nwever be resolved until the child leaves school. Even tho we were informed we would have to pay until the child is 19. To that i say no chance i though you became an adult at 18 so why pay child support to an adult. It make no sence at all.
20/8/08 10:33
They do take some money off for nrp's new children, however they then take percentage of the tax credits awarded for the nrp's children. Given in 1 hand and taken from from the other. CSA it's a losing battle really.
20/8/08 10:02
aaww kathy... i feel for you it must be awful and i cant begin to imagine what ur going thru, but u say it doesnt cost £57 for one child??I have say I disagree as i think that children r very expensive especially as they get older! Also income support for 1 child is around that amount per week, or more if she is recieving child tax credit for the child instead (along with child benefit). I cant understand the childs mother tho as she wont get any of the money from your dh if she is on benefits.... maybe the first £10 but they take it another way lol. I would rather do without to be honest, especially at the expense of other children. I couldnt do it.
Can you not find out some advice on getting the payments lowered as this does seem an awful lot when you have 4 children. The CSA are horrible - i dont know who made the rules up but obviously didnt habe any kids or feelings when they did it!!
Hope ur ok x
19/8/08 22:39
Kathy, I know how you are feeling, we have 4 children too and have to pay £250 to dh's ex. It is so finacially hard and the CSA don't give a damn about the nrp's new families. I know some parents with care don't get a penny, such as the the previous poster. Which is terrible too. My problem is with the CSA and the terrible state in which they are leaving some families.
I feel so much for your senario, and the fact that your partner had no say in what happened to him. It's just typical that the parent with care holds all the cards, stuff the nrp. Makes me sick.
19/8/08 20:53
I have had a similar problem. When i met my DH we were both single and free. About a month after we started seeing each other his ex rang him and tol him she was pg. As it was a casual and they has already split up cause my DH was being threatened by her exs family. He told her that he did not want the baby and no good would come of it if she did. Naturally she had the baby and my DH has not spoken to the young lady in question since she told him she was pg. He got a letter with a scan photo in it telling him how glad she was they were having a baby together. My DH was gutted he thought there was no baby as she text him telling him she wanted him back but there was no mention of a baby. Anyway to cut a long painful story short, the CSA got in touch last year and it took them 10 mths to sort it out. We pay £243 per month and it crippling us. We have 4 boys already and im pg with our 5th even tho my youngest is only 4mths. Both me and DH feel guilty because my DH is a great dad and the child in question is missing out in a big way but he refuses to see him and he has very good reasons. Please dont think my DH is a bad person but he felt backed into a corner and his feelings were not considered at all. All he had was hassle from her ex's family calling him horrid names and even threatened to burn his dads house down and he trully thinks that if he saw this child trouble would start. We pay 243 per month but at least my DH can hold his head high and say he paid for his actions. If the child wants to come and find him he can but i dont know as it will be a happy meeting. I find this very difficult and its hard to talk about as most people think he is a w*****er but he is not. he is a kind man who felf taken advantage of and feels like he was being trapped. The CSA are outragous and do not reflect the true price of bringing up children. My ex gives me 100 per month and it does not cost £57 per week for 1 child. There is nothing to be done about it just bite the bullet and pay up cause im sure she only wanted my DH to be a cash cow and it not fair. The only thing that really bothers me is that iv worked full time for 15yrs and paid my tax and stamp and now i want to give up work for a few years to bring up my children i cant cause of the CSA ,and the young lady in question is on benefits and does nothing. Iv nothing agaist people on benefit but i cant help but feel bitter and cheated. Anyway this is my story please no one be horrid we have been to hell and back over this and i will probably cry.
17/8/08 20:54
To the previous poster, Like Vicky said your situation is totally different and I feel for ladies like you. He is obviously a no hoper and you will do so much better with out him.
Hope every thing works out for you. Jo x
17/8/08 12:06
Aaaww yes that is awful... I couldnt afford to smoke even if i wanted to! I dont know how ppl do it to be honest - my kids come first and if they need sumthing they get it and i walk around in rags and holey shoes hahaha (not actually that bad lol) Me and my fiance only go out if there is a wedding or birthday and more importantly if i can afford it. (which is about 4/5 times a year. Even New years eve, we take the kids out with us to a bowling party at our local bowling alley!!
Their father has never paid me a penny in maintenance (apart from £5 week when the CSA got in contact with him and he went on jobseekers allowance and thats only been the last 3 months) he goes out to the pub every night, gets blind drunk and gets upto no good which i wont go into - i dont want that for my boys. They deserve better.
I also hope that everything goes well. For the sake of my kids too. I dont want them getting hurt all over again when me and my fiance have just got them thru his last set of games and back on track! We have a decent life, go on holiday twice a year and generally enjoy a family life. We wouldnt have it any other way!
I just want to be left to bring my boys up to be decent and considerate of other people (their father and his family has a history of violence, fraud, drugs and generally being an ar*e!!) Sorry for the ramble.......* )
Thank you so much for your best wishes x
16/8/08 23:01
To the previous poster, i really feel for your situation. In your case its totally differnet your ex obviously doesnt want to make that much of an effort for his children and you have every reason for him not to see your children. However there are some mothers who have no suitable reason and stop it because they feel like it. In our case my dps been fighting for 4 years and only now is she doing what the court has said because shes been warned they will take her daughter from her and she will come to live with us.
As for money i understand what you mean about keeping a roof over there head and gas, electric, food etc. But what really gets me is when she gets the money on a saturday, she doesnt have daughter all weekend, and can buy a 20 packet of cigs every day and spend all the money on herself. She gets the best there daughter gets very little. I hope court goes well for you at the minute it looks like it is and your children with better off without a man like that in their life when clearly from what youve said hes only wanting to know what your doing x
16/8/08 16:46
I dont want to sound horrible here, but the way i see it is, this man should pay for his children. He 'went halves' so therefore should contribute to their upbringing. I know it is hard but it is necessary and there is no reason why you both cant work hun.
As for proof of what the money is spent on, i think that is ridiculous and i had the same problem with my ex when i asked him for help ( i asked for £30 a week for 2 children) - its as if kids dont eat, use electricity, gas and need clothing/shoes!! That is what the money is spent on - keeping a roof over their heads and clothing and feeding them - my ex wanted me to buy them a toy/present every week and give him the receipt hahaha!! joke
As a result he has never paid me ANYTHING - oh apart from £20 which he threw at me one day when he had an audience ( i ripped it up!) - he used to beat me up, control me and reduced me to a total mess. I was so ashamed i let him do that to me and my kids so i got out after 10 years. BEst thing i ever did. The CSA found him and he had to pay £86 a week as he was working full time and at that time i was working and i never got a penny - he then went onto jobseekers allowance and now works illegally - told me i didnt deserve help towards the children!! I now get £5 a week for 2 kids - it doesnt even pay for a mcdonalds as they have adult meals now!! A complete joke!!
He didnt see the boys for over a year after we split when he suddenly decided, after he'd found out id met another man and i was pregnant and we were all happy, that he wanted to see them. He harrassed me, threatened me and accused me of cheating for months. He was still trying hard to control me. And when he did see the boys he taunted them, called me horrible names and threatened/bribed them with money and gifts and told them that their sister wasnt their sister!! They ended up scared and didnt wanna see him. Cafcass had to come and see the boys and ask them how they felt and they told him - he concluded that they didnt want to see him and he felt it was best if they didnt, but their 'father' would not have it. He even got angry with the cafcass officer!! As a result, I am still going thru the courts and he was found by the judge on thurs (after a finding of fact hearing) to be lying thru his teeth about me being unfaithful and him harrassing me - as i had police logs and photographs of injuries caused by him and tapes of threatening telephone calls. He even said one of my injuries were due to a drunken fall!! The judge called him a 'controlling, manipulative and unreasonable man' and said 'he needed to look in the mirror and realise what hes done to me and how he has affected me and his children and to think of these 2 young boys and not me and my life'.
He now has to undergo a domestic violence course and send the boys cards and letters to prove sum commitment, but hes not bothered bout the boys - his main concern is ME and what im doing!! We'll see how it goes.
SO i suppose my main point is that, if ur dp really wants to see his kids, he could do so, be it slowly and at a pace to suit the kids. If he doesnt work, legal fees will be paid and shouldnt have to pay full maintenance (i get £5 a week for 2 kids!!!!) But you should deffo seek some advice about this as if it causing you poverty and hardship, the CSA will reduce payments - worth a try. Hope this helps and please dont think im trying to upset u, im merely giving you an insight into my situation and some friendly advice
x
8/8/08 13:22
my dp hasnt seen his son since he was 3. hes about 8 now, 9 this year, and i darent even imagine what hes been told. i'd never bad mouth a dad to his kids. but women do seem to take the p*** sometimes. i would have thought the csa would have told her get f***ed after 13 years - she can manage 13years then wants to nail him? wtf? dps ex claimed csa when she chucked him out for another bloke, but it was rejected even tho its defo his. it was only a few months after the other cow claimed out of spite (saw us together and the next day put a claim in) that the csa said they would be taking money for the son as well, which i dont get, how can they say, well no you cant get maintenence off him then a few years later change their mind?
seriously, may the founder of the whole thing rot in hell...
7/8/08 19:04
It is all wrong and shes probably filled the childs head with a load of rubbish. I hope you get on ok and do keep us updated. Good luck x
7/8/08 12:41
to be honest its such a shock at the moment we dont know. I would think that if she does turn out to be his then yes but how on earth do you explain to a child of that age that we knew nothing about her and god knows what her mother has told her.I do know the mother is on benefits but dont know where she lives or anything like i said we had to ask the CSA her name(the childs and date of birth)i just do not understand how a mother after all these years can just pop up and say hi you are the daddy surely this woman should take some responsibility in the fact that she should of been in touch all those years ago ? Its all very well for people to slate the fathers that do a runner but what about this woman she told nobody
7/8/08 12:23
For the previous post his ex has probably got to a point in her life where she has no money so now thinks shes the right to come and get some from him. To be honest my point is if the father doesnt see the child through not fault of his own but because hes been stopped for no good reason i.e like your husband who doesnt even know he has a child because she never told him why should they be made to pay for a child they dont see through no fault of there own. Is it really fair? x
I wouldnt pay anything until i had the dna test done though, you could always just put the money to the side incase it does turn out hes the ftaher will he be seeking legal advice to get contact with the child if shes his? x
7/8/08 10:39
hi there im new to this and you probuably going to shoot me down in flames, but here goes im a mum of 4 kids and been married to my hubby for 11 years on monday we had a call from the CSA telling us my hubby is the father of a 13 year old girl and they want 34 pounds a week starting from monday of which they can take off my tax credits.
What i want to know as the claim is starting from monday is why this woman has waited 13 years to inform us he may be the daddy (yes we are going for a DNA) the CSA wont tell us where she is the only reason we know her name is because the CSA told us - she has never contacted my husband in 13 years to tell him he might be the father so yes we will pay if she is his i will get rid of my phone and make lower payments to some things so as my kids dont suffer and no we dont have a good income.But how can this woman come along 13 years later and turn our world upside down why didnt she come forward before i take it she doesnt want a father for her child just money tell me is this fair.
5/8/08 13:31
hi i only read the first page but if it hasnt been said already the mum who is unemployed on benefits taking money from her partner abroard and from some other bloke is commiting benefit fraud. you have to claim any extra money over 20pounds a week which is deducted from your benefits pound for pound after that. it isnt fair you are right. if you were to report her, they would spy on her for a bit make sure. they did this to me when i got married in canada to my kids canadian father then came back. cause he is saving for his visa and cant suppport us. i just finished a year at college doing gcses and im going to go to work soon i hope with 2 babies under two and if i can manage you will. it is opriority. when my hubbie comes over i look forward to working weekends and going back to college during the week and him working nights. then i can have we the luxuries again. i cant even get credit cause altho im a britt born and rauised my parents moved to canada for 7 years and came back when i was 18 in 2006. so i have to live here longer apparently which i find stupid. anyways id deffo report that girl. good luck and also maybe work from home as a childminder. i do think you deserve a holiday.
29/7/08 09:47
Ive read through the posts and agree with a lot of whats been said on both sides. I cant say we live in povery but what really annoys me is how dps ex is claiming state benefits when her daughter is at nursery and going into full time school in september so she could quite easily get a part time job. She gets more a week than my dp does for working and can even afford to buy 20 cigarettes a day! My partner has to smoke tobacco cos we cant afford to do that!
Yet every week she says shes skint has no money for this and that, she lives at her grandmas and pays £20 a week board so how can she be skint!! She expects us to pay for other things on top of her maintenance, i.e when she got a house we were expected to put half towards her bedroom furniture. Ex doesnt give us money to put furniture in her bedroom here.
We also applied for a residency order which we would have got and are still getting if she stops contact again but like youve said if she lived with us would we get CSA from her. I think not she wouldnt give us a penny.
Its just some of the things that really get my goat up, then we get the comment from her well the twins get this and the twins get that! Yes but we get money for them like she gets money for her child. A lot of it is all wrong and not worked out fairly. It also comes to something when you find youd both be better off not working and would have more money but thats a debate in itself lol!
Vix x
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You sound like you have had a really hard time. I dont think the young lady in question is as bad as the other women you have trouble with, but she was in a bad place at the time as thought the my DH would be the one to rescue her from her situation, so she told him she was on the pill and got herself pg. My husband would never sleep with someone with out protection but he trusted her, even tho why he did that when he hardly knew her is beyond me. Anyway when she rang and told him she was pg and my DH was having none of it. He told her it was a stupid idea for them to have a baby as they would never get back together but she went ahead anyway. We actually thought she was lying as we hears nothing for about 3 mths. during that time we had fell in love and knew we wanted to be together so we got pg. At the time we had no reason not to both free, on the day i found out i was pg a letter arrived from her with a scan photo telling him how happy she was they were having a baby together. She really thought he would go back to her. DH refused to even speak to her (which did not help) so i rang her. I told her i was pg and that he would not being getting in touch and what he said in the begining still stood. Unfortunatly for her she hardly knew my DH otherwise she would have known he meant it. It all got a bit hairy when her baby was born she was constantly writing to him begging him to talk to her, but still he wouldent. In the end i wrote her a letter telling her exactly what the situation was and where we all stood. i was not unkind as in a certain was i feel sorry for her to be so weak. Since then we only had 1 letter telling us the CSA were after him. While the CSA were sorting out our case i was pg with our 3rd baby, a week after giving birth i was filling assesment forms and its ruined my pg as we had dna test and it took ages to sort out and im sick of it. Im struggling to move on tho and it burns me up inside sometimes but cant let it go. DH says iv got to forget about it but what is going to happen when he turns up. I fear the future and its wrecking the present. Im pg again (accident this time) and i feel guilty for keeping my baby because of our money situation but DH would not here of a termination he said whatever happens we will manage. This is the most honest iv ever been about this because i cant tell DH as he feels bad enough about this. I hate the fact he has another child, i hate the fact he will turn up and i hate the csa. I feel so ashamed feeling like this and guilty because i had a baby at 19 and the dad did not want me to keep it but i did anyway. Boy being on both sides of the fence has shook me up beyond word and has caused me to question what i did 12 years ago. All this is ruining my life at the moment. I cant seem to find any middle ground. Im 33 so you would have thought i could handle this. I love my husband that much and i cant stand the thought of this being here for the rest of our lives. I hope im not a bad person but i cant help the way i feel. Sorry got off the subject of csa and i hope you dont feel to badly of me.