Grandparents
- Grandparents
confused nanny
23/6/08 00:20
22/6/08 20:40
Back to main Q bout confusion, rules id apply are:
1. Dont patronise dil (may do this without intending to)
2. Dont talk bout the way YOU did it, its our turn to learn
3. Dont compare gks, esp implying one is slower than other
4. Dont act like you have a right to see gk, its a privelige!
5 Dont expect to be left with gk unless u have pretty good relationship
6. Be there - in the background, be interested, but dont tell parents what to do, ask them if they want you to do anything even chores
What sorta relationship do u have with your dil? As if its a good one i wouldn't have thought there's be any issues. I think its only when there not a good relationship issues develop as dil and mil are both fighing to win, and sadly mil will always lose
So why do it?!22/6/08 20:40
Back to main Q bout confusion, rules id apply are:
1. Dont patronise dil (may do this without intending to)
2. Dont talk bout the way YOU did it, its our turn to learn
3. Dont compare gks, esp implying one is slower than other
4. Dont act like you have a right to see gk, its a privelige!
5 Dont expect to be left with gk unless u have pretty good relationship
6. Be there - in the background, be interested, but dont tell parents what to do, ask them if they want you to do anything even chores
What sorta relationship do u have with your dil? As if its a good one i wouldn't have thought there's be any issues. I think its only when there not a good relationship issues develop as dil and mil are both fighing to win, and sadly mil will always lose
So why do it?!22/6/08 20:33
Good to know others in similar situation
I get on with my parents brilliantly. Im an only child and they tried for me for 14 yrs so u can imagine what they think of ds now 8 mths! They'd do anything for us and live away, but visit as much as they can for a wk and vice versa. They never impose, in fact i relax while they cook, clean and play with ds - im shouting orders form the sofa lol! They get him up for breakfast when we stay etc but always ask what we want to give him, mum'll dress him but asks what i want him to wear.
Mil is total opposite, shes so awful (always has been!) Dp is one of 4 kids and mil makes it very clear her eldest son is the golden child favourite. To cut a long story short, he had a daughter with his wife (now 6) then she had an affair and conceived twins (now 4) with the other man, he took her back and treats them as own and now she's pregnant again. This happened (pregnancy twins) when me and dh were planning our wedding and mil ignored us completely and just kept going on about she couldnt wait till the twins arrived!?!? We had so many rows as it got worse when twins were born she was all over them and ignored the little girl who is actually her gk and didn't want to know bout our wedding, she never asked me anything bout it, in fact said outright she wasn't interested! The wife is from Australia and they moved over here to stop the affair where they got lots of help (and cash) from mil. Worst thing is mil treated girl who betreayed her son like a princess! Mil wasnt bothered when i got pregnant which was so upsetting as i was a really high risk preg, have only one kidney which doesn't function properly so could fail, but she thinks as i don't look ill i make more of it than is actually wrong. Which isnt true - had blood tests every week of pregnancy!! She said some really nasty things as we knew id prob have him early to save me (actually made it to 39 wks!) and she said if he were under 7 pounds he'd be abnormal!!! He was 5lbs 12 but totally perfect! She didnt like it when we found out we were having a boy as scared stiff id tell relatives hes her first grandson as they dont know. She never even spoke to me for 15 weeks b4 he was born, no card wishing luck, no phonecall, then she had the cheek to want to come to the hospital! Luckily she lives away and dh said i wasnt up to it. She didnt see him til he was about 4 weeks. She wasn't too bothered bout him, and kept critising the way we bottle fed and did stuff, but the midwives had told us to do things this way so i said that and that i only listen to proffesionals! She never once said he was a beautiful baby (strangers in the street did, and still do!) but would go on about the twins. I think she doesnt like it as ds looks like dh and obviously twins look like the other man
That is until after xmas when perfect son and wife moved back to Australia so twins could see real dad!? And are expecting again - they tried as soon as they found out i was pregnant - how pathetic is that? Anyway now she wants Andrew and hates it that i wont budge. I hate the fact she wants my son as a replacement for 2 kids that aren't even related to her, and she won't acknowledge him (even just to me) as her first grandson. Last yr they paid for the son and wife and kids to go on 4./5 hols including euro disney and all inlclusive skiing. We were invited but dh is teacher and she know he has to work term time. Now she wants us to go on hol with her at xmas. Dont think so! She also wanted us there for mothers day but weren't acknowledged last year, so we declined and had family day as first mothers day. The only 'positive' thing she has ever said is, you're doing so well with him, which implies im some stupid little girl who she didnt think would cope. When she asks about his development its always accusing, like is he crawling yet, in a tone that means if he's not h22/6/08 10:03
my ideals would be
*dont have favourites
dps mam always wanted a gir only had 2 boys, she said to her sister who told me ' i was going to have another baby but claires saved me the job' she was cryng and everything when i tild her my first was a girl, and just said 'is it' when i told her my secon was a boy. she always takes my lil girl and is suddenly ill when its my sons turn, then expects dd the next week.
*dont make on like the childs mother is stupid
when my son has a bad night she says 'you not feeding him too late and giving him stuff thats too heavy are you? no matter how many times i tell her his last meal is between 5 and 6 when ever hes hungry and he goes to sleep between 9.30 and 10
*dont try to tell the mother you know the child better than her
mil only see them once every 2 weeks at most, yet tells me what my sons like contraticting me.
* dont demand that the child wears such and such or you cant take them
remember we are busy and clothes get dirty and sometimes a certain coat or dress or what ever is in the wash and to be honest you cant phone up 7 o clock and say ill have the baby tonight if you put such and such t shirt in his bag incase we go out
* do respect the mother,
if she tells you her 7 month old is not to have ice lollies dont send him home with like 4 stained t shirts
* do tell what the child has done while in your care
it would be nice to know if the baby has been alright, where shes been and if shes seen any family or friends, not one of them thing you HAVE to know but its nice to hear ' Shes been really good today, we went to the park and she seen her cousin there and they had a nice play together.' again not one of the things you have to know but nice to know what your child has been doing.
*if your gk has an accident at your house, dont hide it and try to make on like its been done back at home
my dd cut her knee, and mil put long jeans on her and never told me, then when asked, are you sure she never done it after she left mine? yes im sure and just tell me, im not going to stop you seeing my child just because she has fallen over.
*dont purpously do things you know make dil feel stupid.
my mil is always doing this.
This could just be my mil, not saying every gp is the same
*wondering if i sould print this out for her* lol
22/5/08 19:22
lol it alaways seems 2 b the mil! i agree tho my mum has my ds (11month) whilst im at uni or on placement, my dad idolises the baby even tho e was scared to hold him at first lol. on the other hnd dps parents r ridiculous. hid ad & stepmum dint c the baby til e was 6 wk old n we tuk him down 2 c them coz his dads 2 lazy 2 move (dps stepmums words). his mum & stepdad av neva even bought the baby a card (nothing to do with money theyv just built a big conservatory on the house). whilst i was pregnant alll i heard was i want a girl as if his mum cud choose what i was having. even after i found out he was a boy no congrats or anything just i wanted a girl. she cum dwn we e was 6 wk old n cudnt remember his name. she hasnt botherd since but told every1 that me & dp wunt let them c the baby.
offered 2 baby sit 1 nite wen baby was bout 4wks old but sed u give me baby 4 the weekend. ermmmmm NO! es not an object! lol
at babys baptism we argued bout invitin them as dps grandparents (who r brill) dont get on with his stepdad. in the end e invited them so is nanna dint cum so that no1 made a scene. guess what? his parents dint even turn up & told his lil bro that if he went not 2 go home. (es only 15)
so a tip gps: take an interest lol
22/5/08 18:17
thanks tcb your posts have made me smile today
22/5/08 15:45
OOPS I think I broke the strong opions rule today. I said I didn't think chain saw masacar was suitable watching for a 5 year old even if he wasn't scared and my 10 year old wouldn't be aloud to watch it........
Emma
22/5/08 15:43
I think I go the other way as my grankids are step ones at the moment so I hang back to let the other 2 grans in!
They know where we are if they really need us. Having said that we have now moved to France so we only see them twice a year seems to work quite well lol.
The other 2 do so much that they used to rarely look after the kids them selves, so we hardly had them, my kids are about the same age too.
We'll do what ever they want us to do. I'll have to see what happens when my DD has a baby in at least 10 years time hopefully.
Emma
22/5/08 13:21
Lizzy2007, how funny. I remember taking my eldest to the xmas lights in town with mil/fil & hubby and her literally wrenching the pushchair out of my hands. It is funny now but things like that used to upset me. I have a 2nd baby who is 11 months and she hasn't been nearly so bad. I've become a lot more assertive (and sadly more horrid) since then.
Seriously nans & grans - check your hormones when your grandchildren are born. I swear my mil had some sort of mini crisis when my first was born - she was really bonkers for a while (and so was I probably).
I hope I remember this when I find myself racing my dil to the baby's cot in 30 years time. Lol.
PS. The hysterical thing about it all is we go through all this grief and fighting/competing etc and how much does the baby remember or care about it all?!!
21/5/08 19:35
TCB, well said !!!!!!!
My MIL grabs LO out of my arms and even got physical trying to push me away from the pushchair. She's 86 for goodness sake - I could hardly push her back
21/5/08 18:08
oh and excellent points tcb they cant go far wrong with that x
21/5/08 18:07
my mil went overboard before i was even pregnant she is a domineering and difficult nasty and poisonous old crow lol. As a result my dp had enough and cut her off (it got really bad she threatened me while pregnant because she couldnt get her own way ). Dp has spoken to her twice since, i was 16 weeks pregnant when we fell out and dd is a year old now. Im glad i dont have the tedious rows with her anymore and im also glad that i dont need to put up with her nasty comments and digs all the time. I cna sympathise with anyone in this situation, ours is extreme but i hope you can all work out whatever problems you have and be glad that you have grandchildren in your life. DP is an only child so now they have no chance of grandchildren in their lives its sad but their doing.
21/5/08 13:30
Here are a few pointers:-
- Don't expect to see the baby 2 minutes after it's born and the poor mother is out of it.
- Don't refer to the grandchild as "my baby"
- Don't declare that the baby is exactly like you, all your relatives etc.
- Don't walk up to your dil and grab the baby off her. Ask if you can hold the baby. If the DIL says you don't need to ask, fine. If she doesn't say that, always ask. They'll soon be toddling around anyway and won't want anyone to hold them.
- Don't keep dropping hints about having the new baby overnight or at your house.
- Tell your DIL you'll be happy to help anytime (if you are happy to!). She will hear you loud and clear. Don't keep forcing the issue, if she wants you to babysit she will ask.
- Don't give advice unless you are asked.
- Keep strong opinions to yourself.
- Don't talk to your DIL in a baby voice. She has had a baby. She hasn't turned into one! (lol) That includes giving advice through the baby, ie "Ooh hasn't mummy fed you today. On dear, what has mummy dressed you in" type comments!
- Don't turn up unannounced (unless your DIL has said drop by whenever you like or given you a key!)
- Try to remember it isn't you that's had a new baby. Yes it is exciting, but your dil (or daughter) has carried that baby for 9 months and first priority is the parents and the baby and their family unit. It's not about you right now. It must be hard to take, but that's the way it is sometimes.
These are meant to be a bit tongue in cheek. I think it is unfortunate that the mums who want an involved grandparent get the distant ones, and the mums who don't want so much interference get the domineering, needy grandmas. I so hope I can remember how I feel now when my kids have kids.
16/5/08 15:56
hi, i get on with both mum and mil. my mum helps me out a lot with my children. my mil doesnt get involved at all, but its not because she doesnt want to but because she is physically unable to. there is 14 yrs between me and dh so my mil is a lot older than my mum. i do take children round to see mil as she moved a couple of years ago to be closer to us all. i am happy with my situation with mum and mil with children. we all get on really well,
16/5/08 11:58
thanks all. i have read through and wish i could find an answer to the problem. it is so difficult trying to get a happy medium . and after reading your posts i am sure that i do interfere more than i should so i will take that on board. but as i said it is difficult as i live in the same street as my gks and they are always popping in to play with me for awhile, i see them every day so it is hard not to interfere i dont think of it as interfering but as trying to help. i will have to rethink.i would hate to be making things more difficult. thanks for your comments they have been most helpfull.
15/5/08 19:21
i second that last comment my mum is great ,she knows what its like to have ils from hell so is really laid back with everything and never interfeers sp? however his parents are the absolute worst ever...they just wont back off,belittle me for how we bring up lo,take the mick out of what we feed her and from day 1 have been so sufforcating and constantly want her on her own,even when she was new born!!! now i dont think il ever understand why they are like that.as said previously ,theyve had their chance to be mummy and now its ours,and yes things change and there shouldnt be any problems in us bringing up our children how we wish.i feel so strongly about this and its ruling my life.if there are any nice in laws out there or should i say i know there are and u want to adopt us feel free.i can see how a few bad eggs may tar all gps with the same brush and you must feel so attacked on here.will all us mummies be the same in 30yrs time? lol
15/5/08 12:06
Hmmmm, I can see why you are confused. I'd like to say that my parents are the ideal GPs. They never interfere ( even when I'm sure they'd like to ), but are always full of wise-words when I need them. I probably ask them a lot of advice, because I know they'll be sensible and won't cricitise me. They are far from overbearing and are very conscious not to crowd us and visit too often ( they live 5miles away ) . However, they'll be there to help us at the drop of hat. In fact, we'd find life a lot more challenging without my wonderful parents around. Btw, dp is always doing odd-jobs for them, so the help is reciprocated.
They TOTALLY respect me and dp and the parents of our LO !!!!
On the otherhand, Mil is a nightmare. She is domineering, difficult, has to have the last word, lies ( to cause trouble between me and dp ), rolls her eyes at just about everything I do, gets physical if she wants to hold LO ( honestly !!!! ) and is incredibley manipulative. And like most OHs, Dp just can't see it and thinks I should be more tolerant of her.
I think GPs have to sometimes bite their tongues, rather than upset the new parents ( unless it's something really serious, of course ). GPs have had their chance to be parents to little ones & it is wrong of them to interfere when it is someone else's turn. Hope that makes sense. Things have changed since GPs raised their own. Doesnt mean to say they have to stay quiet all the time, but tact will go a long way. xx
14/5/08 13:06
It is a very hard line to get right.
My mum was of no use what so ever when I had my LO's to pint that she baby sat once or twice a year if we were lucky and only ever looked after them in a real emergency or when I went into labour. They were 4 before she even had them for an afternoon!!!!!!!
We moved to France and all of a sudden she realised that they weren't going to be just round the cornner and she could see them next week or the week after or maybe next month! She now comes 2-3 times a year and spends a week with them and they see her more that way then when we were in the UK.
Next week I have my SDD her husband and 2 kids coming over I see them about twice a year. We have kids of our own about the same ages I am a more liberal parent than them so things can be fun. I let mine eat more of what they like than just you can eat or starve. I'm also more liberal about toys and where they play with them. Being the step grandma it is an even more tight rope type of walk than normal gran.
Emma
13/5/08 15:05
I'm lucky and get on really well with my parents and in-laws and to be honest I like the fact that they're all hands-on. I don't want them to feel they have to ask to pick my son up etc. They all know that what my husband and i say goes and they never contradict or go against us and it all works really well.
I'm always glad of the break when we visit as they keep lo entertained whilst we have a peaceful cup of tea etc
My parents will be looking after my son two days a week when I go back to work and my husband and I know that we have to trust my parents to look after and tell my son off etc as they feel is necessary and at the end of the day my brothers and I all turned out ok so they must be capable.
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All your posts have made me smile. I have printed them off and put them on my fridge door!!!haha
I think mine would be:
Dont just turn up. They invented the phone. So bloody use it!
And dont think its your god given right to see the LO at a drop of a hat!
Dont make decisions on what is best for the LO. ie my MIL insists on the LO not having a dummy, she takes it out everytime she sees him. I feel like screaming IM HIS MOTHER! IF I SAY HE CAN HAVE A DUMMY, HE CAN!!! hahah