hi

lizzy yes thats it fake grin for us then oh well at least we have bounty!

I think your right about it being a question of age & experience, Nanny.  I suppose as new mums we are feeling a bit fragile at times and conscious about getting things right, so it doesnt help when MIL comes along attempting to knock our confidence.  I actually don't follow-up on any of her advice and think her opinions are completely worthless ( as she knows nothing about mothering - long story .  So, in that respect she is clueless.  It just gets to me that she thinks she can talk to me and behave as she does, especially in my own house.  I reckon Pooh knows what I mean ?  & you've got it far worse than me !

I will do my best to rise above her.  My parents have been telling me this for years, as have my friends.  I know part of it is a weakness in myself. Hey, Pooh, we musnt let them grind us down !!!! xxxx 

dont get me wrong i know how it is when you are living on your nerves because of one person  and i was the same as you all and let it all get to me  making myself ill. i just wish that i had had more sense than to let it get to  me, but i think being able to shrug your shoulders and rise obove these people comes with age, i find it is not so important to me now if  people dont like me or the way i do things but i didnt have the same ability when my own kids were young.

hi

lizzy2007 don't you worry about it being my thread its ours now ok its just nice to know im not as daft as i feel totally know how you feel about waking and not sleeping, shaking worrying etc so you keep talking as much as you like thanks for being their fr me too and thank you nanny too

ooops - didn't mean to post it twice.

Nanny, I also meant to say ( & sorry Pooh, coz this is your thread ), but I was as nice as pie and all sweetness and light for my MIL's visit. Smiles all round !  Dp admitted he couldn't fault me in the slightest.  Yet I dreaded everyday, I got nervous about being alone in the same room as her and what spiteful comments and glares she'd throw at me.  The week left me absolutely exhausted & shellshocked.  All that being so nice to her didn't make me feel better in the slightest.  In fact, after she's left I wish that I'd had the courage to tell her a few truths.

Ooooooo doesnt it feel good to have a rant !  Where would I be without Bounty ? xx

Pooh, be grateful that you have your dh's support and understanding on the matter !  However, he should stand up to her a bit more - she sounds absolutely awful.  At least he is refusing to go round to her house - that's something.  She is clearly making both of your lives a misery.  How on earth will LO benefit from seeing her, if you are going to get so stressed over her visits ???  It isnt her right to come and visit every month, especially if she doesnt know how to behave in your house.  Perhaps you should tell her she will be welcome back when she shows both of you more respect and promisies to behave herself.

Nanny, what wise words, but if were only that easy to smile and try to forget. But why should we put up with being treated like that ??? Some mums have to put up with this treatment every week !!!!  I had a week of my MIL who ground me down and looked at me like something she'd trodden in.  She made me feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I wish I could ride over it all, but I was just trying to hold the peace for the week of her visit & get it over and done with. I woke-up at 3am this morning and couldn't get back to sleep, then I was in tears this morning too......just dreading her next visit or us having to go there ( even though I've told dh that I'm refusing to go ).   I really, really wish I had the strength and courage to rise above her........as I know that would be the best solution.  It would also help if dp could see what was really going on & give me a bit more support.

Pooh, be grateful that you have your dh's support and understanding on the matter !  However, he should stand up to her a bit more - she sounds absolutely awful.  At least he is refusing to go round to her house - that's something.  She is clearly making both of your lives a misery.  How on earth will LO benefit from seeing her, if you are going to get so stressed over her visits ???  It isnt her right to come and visit every month, especially if she doesnt know how to behave in your house.  Perhaps you should tell her she will be welcome back when she shows both of you more respect and promisies to behave herself.

Nanny, what wise words, but if were only that easy to smile and try to forget. But why should we put up with being treated like that ??? Some mums have to put up with this treatment every week !!!!  I had a week of my MIL who ground me down and looked at me like something she'd trodden in.  She made me feel so uncomfortable in my own home. I wish I could ride over it all, but I was just trying to hold the peace for the week of her visit & get it over and done with. I woke-up at 3am this morning and couldn't get back to sleep, then I was in tears this morning too......just dreading her next visit or us having to go there ( even though I've told dh that I'm refusing to go ).   I really, really wish I had the strength and courage to rise above her........as I know that would be the best solution.  It would also help if dp could see what was really going on & give me a bit more support.

hi

thanks girls for replying yes i am scared i suppose scared of upset and more hurt. my dh is supportive but he has also been badly hurt by her but she walks over him so i ended up having to talk to her and set her straight although she denies everything etc etc. we struggle to have her over 1 a month bt for our dd feel it should happen so there is my head ruling my heart i just don't even want her socialising as dh sis is a nightmare so harsh hurtful and mostly in bad moods slamming doors (she is 29 by the way) i certainly dont want me dd to turn out like that at that

i am worried bec its so uneasy for me and dh that its just horrible and we are like dif people when she leaves well thats it over for another month etc but then time approaches and we have to have her again. so we have her in our house so we have more control as she has control in ever house even if its not hers but her family's (if that makes sense) i thot we were doing well having her once a month considering i just want to walk away from her well she spoke to dh about us going to her house and he explained we were not comfy and happier with the way things were etc her response you can't fall out with your mother! that angered us whats the dif in her coming to us where dd has toys routine etc than us going to hers to be in fear

just wanted to thank you for your support its good to get views and reassurance

i used to be like this about loads of things when i was young and my kids were babies , but as you get okder you realize that there is nothing you can do about how other people act and you learn that it is their problem not yours, the best advise i can give you is to stop worrying about her and smile through all the nasty things she does, on the day get your mum to  sort her out and you just be polite and then go about enjoy your los first birthday, at the end of the day she can only hurt you if you allow it, so just carry on smiling no matter what she says or does . this will soon get through to her and she will realize she has no control over you, good luck.

So sorry to read your thread.  I couldn't make out whether your dh is supportive in all this.  I suppose if he was, then it would be a lot easier to deal with your mil.

The easiest solution would be that if she cannot respect you as the mother of your LO, then she shouldn't be invited to the party.  However, I know all too well how hard it is to say no to the dreaded MIL, especially when the OH can't see the wrong that she does.  On top of that it's even harder when you have such an intimidating MIL - you sound really scared of her.

My MIL is 86 and lives in Portugal, but I'm still scared of her: she is controlling and domineering and, I suspect, always gets her own way.  I have sleepless nights worrying about her next visit ( even though one hasnt actually been planned ).  Of course, dp won't here a bad word against her and says I should be more tolerant of her. You are in a far worse situation than me, as it sounds like your MIL lives nearby. Unless dh can intervene and put her in her rightful place then there is no easy solution.  At least you'll have your mum etc with you for support.  Could you have LO's party at your Mum's house ?  I suppose your dp knows exactly how you feel ?

It's incredible the number of us on here who say that our MILs will be the end of our marriages / relationships.

Sorry I don't have an answer for you.  Let me know what happens. xxx

hi

well some might rem some of my posts about mil. to cut a long story  short we only see her once a month and i avoid that if i can its easier. well its coming up to my dd first birthday touch wood when it comes and i have been worrying for months it means having her over (don't get me wrong we have more control if she is in our house) thankfully my mum and aunt will be here but i just go to jelly and am getting upset typing this i feel like i have been emotionally bullied with the things she has said.

i suppose i am scared she will say something to spoil my dd day we are only having her over for about an hour as thats all we can take. we were over the moon when we had our dd esp as we had a few scares but one of the first things mil sd was maybe ur mum will get bet (bad pregnancy) and have a boy!!!!! then this continued as much as we addressed it she denied saying it thankfully we weren't the only ones that heard it. she spoilt her Christening etc so i think i am scared i don't go to the local shops and scared to shop in other local places myself i just turn to jelly and can burst into tears it got that bad the hv sd if i was to do a post natal depression on her alone i would have it! that speaks volumes. my friends can't believe me and my dh are stil together after all the probs she has caused but that is strained now but i don't want my mil to split us up if she was out the equation we would be so happy but i don't want to move from my family and friends as we are all around the same area.

i don't think anyone can help me its something i have to learn to live with. thankfully as i said il have some back up from my side and then we are going out so they can't just pop in later as we are having time just the 3 of us. sorry but its really getting me down and its something i should be looking forward to but its bringing back even more memories i wish i just i could just not see her but don't want not to see my daughter for a second on her special day i just love my dd so much! thanks for listening