mil from hell
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12/8/08 13:39
No I dont think your wrong. I wont go anywhere with my MIL. She is an embaressment. Esp when she's had a drink and there's a audience. I never go round to her house anymore, everytime I went she would tell me how I was doing things wrong and how I should be doing it this way blah blah blah!!! To be honest everytime I came away from that house I felt angry and most of the time walked home in tears, where as now Im not around them I dont have any of that. My partner takes LO around about twice a week, wish it was less, im working on that at the moment! I just stay away therefore im not upset, it works for me xx
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12/8/08 10:30
Hi everyone, Just a bit of rant really so sorry in advance. Well I really thought me and my mil were starting to be amicable we have been taking dd up once or twice a week and she has been mostly managing to keep her opionions to herself, and when she has not I have let it go over my head. Well she is always moaning to df that we don't spend enough family time together and that we should do so she suggested we go over to Manchester to see his brothers new house and then we will go out for a meal. Now I am always very reluctant to go out anywhere with her to be honest, because until dd came along we were lucky to see her and when we did it was because we made the effort by going to hers and we literally are a 10min walk but she never bothered calling at ours. Anyway I tell df we will go and everything is arranged so when we get there his brother lets us in his 2 house mates are there he did not bother showing us around(which is apparently why we went) did not really chat or anything. He then tells us his 2 house mates are coming now, don't get me wrong they seemed really nice but I was under the impression it was a family meal to catch up with his brother and stuff as we have not seen him in ages. Then the next bombshell mil says oh I have invited my good friends daughter and df along they are meeting us here well I do like the girl but again I was invited here under the pretexts it was a family meal. If I had of knew this I would definitely not of gone as last time I went for a meal and the family friends daughter was there mil completely blanked me all day and every time I tried to make or join in conversation I was talked over or blanked like I did not exist. Now it gets me so angry because we are only invited because we have dd, if we did not have her they would not give a monkeys when they saw us. Well the same happened at this meal I was blanked and every now and then mil would look down table and exclaim who lovely dd is. Df and brother must of said all of 2 words to each other . I really wondered why we had been invited me and df were sat on the end of the table like we weren't there he was silent most way through it. Now this is such an issue for me as I have said to mil that I will not call round her house anymore as I feel so uncomfortable there and to be honest over this last year got to the point I hate her.I thought it would be better for all concerned. I said df could bring dd round to see them and stuff but she was not happy and put a guilt trip on me saying dd would wonder why her mum does not go to grandmas and stuff so I gave in and have been going up and thought I was making a real effort but I don't think she is making it back it feels like it all on her terms. I have told my df I am not making a effort anymore and will not be going anywhere she invites us. Do you think I am wrong for this? I do feel for my df but even he felt the same after the meal so think he sees my point of view a bit now. Sorry its long I really needed to get it off my chest it has been keeping me awake at night. Emma xxx -
10/8/08 02:52
do you think they get on our nerves because our oh pusseyfoot around them so they dont sulk,or is it when its my mum i can just be really honest and say butt out its my life!!!my mil is still driving me crazy but i have been keeping my mouth shut for the sake of my marriage with hope that if i dont comment on her and jump down my oh throut he might get what i mean.its working,last week i was getting a right lecture off her about i should be pregnant again and my daughter will miss out if she is an only child and she said that she will do everything in her power to make sure her granchild never misses out on anything!!my baby is only 6 and half months old!!and what makes it worse my hubby is an only child and they lived with his nan till he was 11,he never missed out and when i pointed this out she just said he was close with his cousin,yeah same thing im sure i said it would mean me looking after 2 small babies,the house and go back to work and im not ready yet,SHE CALLED ME SOFT!!!i was thinking of asking her about her sex life next time we are sat around the table having our dinner see how she likes it,she even wanted to know what contraception i was using,i am a self confesed prude and i went so red!!my hubby rang her up so they could speak just the two of them and he said that she cant talk like this and its none of her business,and its not fair to try to make me feel bad because im not pregnant yet,for years she has gone on about us having kids then we have 1 and she gives us 6 months and starts hounding me again,anyway app she started to cry and said we wer mean to her and she is now not speaking to us!!i dont want hubby to fall out with her but glad he told her she is too full on,and as i told him if he leaves me stewing and didnt say anything im gonna blow one day and i really dont think she would like it if i started answering backand telling her how i feel, its up to him,so we will see how long she sulks like a kid for this time!!unfortualty we have a birthday party in the family 2moz and she will be there but i aint letting her take my baby off me as soon as i get in the door,im her mummy and want to show her off to the family for a change instead of her taking her in a different room so she can have 'her' time as 'i get her all week'!!i would of loved to of been a fly on the wall when she had my hubby from what i have been told off her mum nobody was allowed near him for month not even his father!!!and i can just well beleive it..right my moan 4 the day is over with jo x -
2/8/08 10:08
Haha, post too long lol! Thats how much she pees me off lol x
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2/8/08 10:01
Hi, ive not posted on bounty for a while and i didn't even know which thread to post this on lol! Im just relieved to see there are others out there with mils as bad as mine (and worse!). My mil makes me feel so angry just thinking about her, just typing this im nearly shaking thinking about how horrible she is. We've recently been on holiday down south where her family live, i was dreading going cos i knew she was bossy and took over everything, but by the end i was emotionally drained. The first day we went out for the day in the car somewhere about a 20min drive away and my dd1 got ratty and started paddying (bearing in mind the previous day we had driven 5hrs only 1 break she'd had no nap, shes 3, and had gone to bed at about 9pm, when she usually goes at 7pm). Anyway she was crying and saying she wanted to sit on daddys knee but she was obviously in her car seat i knew being her mum, there was nothing we could do we tried consoling her, even shouted at her but that made it worse, after 10mins the mil SHOUTED at her to 'shut up'. Df did say to her not to do that but 10mins later she SHOUTED at her that if she didnt shut up shed be getting out of the car. I said to her dont shout at her she is 3 yr old and shes just tired she just shook her head and said 'whatever' like a child. The same thing happened about 3other times during the week (with dd1 being out of her routine going to bed late, and everywhere we went was at least a 20 min drive away) and she did the same thing and no matter how many times we told her she just did it again! I never tell my daughter to shut up i'll say be quiet or something but not shut up so how dare she say it to my child! She constantly critizised everything my daughter did, when she said the word 'water' or 'smarties' if she didnt pronounce her 't' my mil would SHOUT at her again how to pronounce the word properly and this was literally everyday she would do this. My df could see i was ready to burst and begged me not to say anything but i wish to god i had. He said i would of ruined the holiday and i knew (from previous experience with her) that if i had even raised the issue politely like an adult she would of got all high and mighty thrown it in our faces that she had paid for the holiday and that df owes her money thingsthat had nothing to do with what she was doing but that is what she is like and she would of told us to do what we wanted and wouldnt of taken us out for the rest of the hol (and there was no places around where we were everything was a drive away). I know for a fact she would of done this so i didnt know what to do. Every morning when dd1 went downstairs after i had got her dressed she would say 'you cant wear that its too cold/hot' and if she wanted to take her shoes off on he grass/sand she said she couldnt. Everytime dd shouted 'mummy' she said 'what?'. Everytime she said she was hungry or thirsty or wanted to go home she would say 'well you can wait' in a nasty way. We went to see a castle and dd was so excited and she called dd into the gift shop where there was a gorgeous princess dress well you can imagine dd's face bt it was £20 and we didnt have enough money. After we'd looked round and that dd said daddy can i have that dress and mil said 'no you cant its too much money. and remember scott you owe me money' well fair enough we owe her money but dd is 3 why show her the dress? And then the next day went and spent £40 on two tops for herself. On the last night we were there dd was wearing a lovely skirt n flowery top and was sat opposite mil and was saying 'grandma i look like a princess, grandma, grandma, grandma' an mil just looked right thru her and ignored her! And i was sat feeding the baby wanting to shout at her but thinkin maybe she just hadnt heard her, surely she wouldnt just ignore her? BUt df said 'mum' to her and told her dd was talking to her and she just looked at her, did the stupid pout that she does and said 'oh. yeah.' I was s
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16/7/08 13:33
p.s thanks emma for your advise its really helped me see the situation clearer,i will try to have a nice time sun,it will only be for a couple of hours so hopefully go ok.take care jo x
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16/7/08 13:28
hiya yeah i def feel better,the other day when she came round that was my idea to suggest the took baby to the park round the corner but she just came in and was getting ready to go out the door with baby,maybe its just me but maybe i need to ask rather than be told what she is going to do with my baby,if she let me do thinks in my own time i think things might be better rather than it feeling like a battle of wills when i see her.i have just decided to keep my cool and let her carry on like a child that doesnt get their own way,i have tried to be nice about it and im not going to argue with oh anymore think he gets v embarrased about her behaviour so me pointing it out to him is just making it worst,last night i wrote on facebook that we wer going to the seaside for a week next month,5 mins later she phoned oh to ask why we havnt told her and is worried that baby will be safe and that she is upset that she wont see her for a week,she off on a cruise in sep but i guess it ok for her to have a holiday!!anyway i didnt say owt to oh and he just said how daft his mum is and he told her straight that its our lives and we go where we want,so realised that if i wud of said something like i norm do it just blows it all up and i look like the b***.slept well as well last night!!jo x
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15/7/08 11:30
It sounds like you are having a torrid time of it hun. My advice is, pick your battles or you will end up battling everything. Set some ground rules, without making it sound like they are rules. When she visits, could you let her take your lo out for a walk for say an hour? This may calm the problem down. If not dont worry, at the end of the day, you are the parent so it is entirely up to you. There is no 'right' essentially, however I do think you need to sort this out sooner than later. good luck hun. xxx
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15/7/08 09:58
Hi jo,
I am glad your feeling more positive about things hun. It probably helps now you have talked to your dh and know he feels the same way to. I know it helped me alot when my df agreed with me and finally began to see what was happening. Hope you have a nice meal on the weekend. Tc hun xm
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15/7/08 01:46
hiya thank you to every one who has posted advice and support it means alot to me,i feel alot better today after reading what you all wrote,had a chat with hubby and he said he feels the same as me but doesnt want to upset her but will try and get her to back off in a nice way!!so we will see how that goes,had a good moan to my mum as well and she said if it gets to much just have a rant on here rather than argue with him!!so i will,im gonna get tough and put my foot down as i guess she will always walk all over me,his nan told me that his mum first left my hubby with someone when he was 18 mo old so i think she needs to have a think back and remember what it was like for her i beleive no one was even allowed a cuddle!!i think she is trying to push me as she knows i wont say owt to her,i beleive if she doesnt change her ways then when my baby gets abit older she will scare her by what she says and does and trying to smoother her!apart from her i am really enjoying being a mummy and im not going to let her ruin any of this as i will never get this time back,so hubby said he would back me up and that of course i have the final say about what happens and where baby goes so im happy with that for now,i guess he feels in the middle of all this,but on a plus side he is taking us away in august for a little holiday just us 3 so thats cheered me up as well,thanks again for all your advice and nice words i will keep you posted on how things go, the tester will be sunday when we go out take care jo xx -
15/7/08 00:13
My mil's just the same. She used to hold ds & refused to give him back to me when he's crying. Very different attitude compare to my parents who always says: 'he wants mommy' (when lo's crying & give him back straight to me).
Mil said false things about me to ds in the past & although he didn't understand what she said but it upset me so much.
Even now things slightly better (i've been trying to keep peace for the sake of my lo & dh) I'm still struggling to let the old memories go.
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14/7/08 19:28
I really feel for you, I used to be up as late as you stressing and thinking back what they had done and said over the day. My MIL is completly the same, will not give back LO when hes upset. Its got to a point now that im rude.... and I just dont care!! they didnt get the hint when I was nice, or even when I came out and said clear as day, ' you come round too much' please let me have him hes upset and wants his mummy' so now, I ignor the phone the door and if they have him and hes crying I walk straight up and take him off them, they hate it but its tuff! Im not saying this is what you are suppose to do, but you will get to a point where they'll push and push and push! My thought was, they knew it was upsetting me and they didnt give a monkey's, so now I dont care how I act around them! I hate being rude, it isnt me, but that seems to be all what they understand!!! I think at first you should speak to your partner, and keep speaking to him until you are happy, he'll eventually say something. dont let them ruin it for you hun, this is a great time, my LO is 6months old, and now im loving every minute . Let us know how you get on, or if you just want a good old moan, this is what this forum is about, tc xxxxx
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14/7/08 16:18
I also agree with the comments other people had said. I am not a confrontational person at all- but things also came to a head with my mil and we all had a big talk-well they shouted at me saying they had missed out on the things they wanted to do with my dd!( Never mind the stress and the things they have taken from me) and although things are very strained between us they are no longer doing the things they used to. This time with your dd is precious-don't let them ruin it. i REALLY HOPE your oh can help you out ( sorry about the font-my dd is messing with the computer!)
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14/7/08 13:29
mine is exactly same as pp.demands we go to see them at drop of a hat,then tells everyone infront of us that shes missed out so much with `this one`(she has 6 gks,and her daughters let their mum take over completely) i was reading through poster from late last night and i can totally understand i had same thing,you wish you could just be assertive but why cant we with them????now i see her as little as poss and like you i feel physically sick and argue with dp constantly before we go down there.luckily its once a month at most and they pop to see us in between as they work nearby.she never used to give dd back when she was crying ,and her and fil used to take her in other room etc...it broke my heart,i just though give her to me and il calm her down.the junk food issue is an ongoing problem and they just cant respect it so shes never left alone with them.im laughed at for feeding dd healthy food,if its not their way then its wrong...i hope you managed to get to sleep its such a shame that a special time is ruined by people who should know better.i usually find bottle of wine helps but it shouldnt be that way.i had to have counselling over the problems i had re mil and lack of rest and privacy.tbh i dont want dd to be close to them...does that sound terrible?but shes ruined so many a special time ive gone past caring,as said already,they dont bear your feelings in mind when they do all this....sorry if ive sounded harsh at all but its heartfelt, you could try talking to her but if anything like mine actions speak louder, and also less confrontational.xx
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14/7/08 13:15
Hi Jo
Totally agree with all the advice in the last post. In addition I would tell dh how you feel and get him to intervene where necessary (it shouldn't just be down to you). He sounds like he is on your side so he should be able to tell his own mum "No". As the weeks pass and she starts to get the message you will start to feel happier, but you need dh's support as she is being totally out of order.
I feel for you, my dh is only child and is still referred to as "my baby". He is 31!!!!
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14/7/08 12:06
Hi jo,
I can really feel for you i was going through the same thing since my dd was been born. There has been points where mil has nearly destroyed our relationship it was that bad I consider walking out and not telling any of them where I was going. The thought of having to see her made me feel sick as she would take dd when we visited and act as though she was her mother. I did not feel strong enough to say anything and my df thought I was over reacting at times.
It all came to head over xmas she started on df saying she had not seen us enough. She does it when I am not there then he can come home and have a go at me, she then acts as if she has not said anything. Anyhow I just could not take anymore and I knew I either let it destroy my relationship or said something, so I told my df to arrange for us all to go up and talk. I asked my mum to have dd as did not want her there while this was going on. Well as soon as we entered he house without dd all hell broke loose and she started shouting and screaming (She is very used to getting her own way) the shouting normally works with the men in the family but it does not work with me. I saw red and finally told her how I feel. She used to do the same kind of thing your Mil does like not handing dd back to me or df while she is upset its like her need of wanting to hold her come before my daughters needs which really used to upset me. She was told to stop acting like her mother and if she is upset to give her to us sort out. Things are still far from perfect but they are getting better slowly.
My advice would be to try and take back some control and make it clear your her mother not her. like for instance when you go for your meal you take dd to see the animals before she gets chance, invite her along but you carry/push dd around if she tries to take dd or pram from you tell her no nicely just explain that its her first time looking at animals etc and you want to do it. If it upsets her that's her problem it seems like she has not given a thought to your feelings or if she is upsetting you. The best thing to do would be to talk with her but take your dh and make sure you have his support. I really hope things work out hun . Tc x
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14/7/08 02:19
sorry for spelling errors its late im knackerd and i cant sleep cos im upset jo -
14/7/08 02:14
i dont want to comment on what evi has wrote cos i av come on here for some advise not to be put down by someone who doesnt know me!im at my wits end i feel like waking out on my marriage im fed up with my mil,my hubby is an only child and we hae been married for over 3 years she was desperate for gran kids and we now have a baby of 6 months old,prev i have always got on with my mil,but now she couldnt care less about how i am or how im coping its just the baby she wants,it all starte dwhen i ad my 1st scan iwe got her a piccy and she went round showing the pic and saying 'heres my baby',i found it a little weird and one day i said 'no this is my baby' and laughed it off she said yes your carrying baby but she is mine really.well it all went down here from there i have found her to much and i cant cope with it any more when we visit or she pops round she literally grabs baby off me and i get her back for a feed or a nappy change then she gets took away from me and she goes in another room,why cant we all enjoy seeing the baby she wont even let her husband hold her.she makes comments like'why are you crying has your mummy been beating you up again','your mummy is mean because she has you all week and i want you to live here with me','im going to kidnap you so we can live togher'.i told my hubby it wasnt nice and he just said i know what you mean bu she says things without thinking,which might be the case but i feel like crap by the time we leave,she visited today and told me,not asked told me that in a couple of weeks she is having baby stay foe the weekend at hers as they need time to bond,i said in a nice way no because for 1 i have a routine which im not breaking as its working,2 we only have a sat just the 3 of us sun we visit her and my parents,and 3 i think she is to young to stay out,i was then told im not letting my baby have any independence(she is 6 mo old!!)she then rang my hubby up crying later on that im stopping her seeing baby lucky for him he told her he felt the same way about letting her stay out,he wants his time with her,i have made it a plain as day she is welcome round any time to see baby i have never stopped her once but im just not ready to leave her with any1 except my hubby yet surely its up 2 me,i now feel there is something wrong with me cos i wont leave baby yeah when im back in work i would, but while im on maternity leave i want to be with her,me and hubby never used to fall out much and we are just rowing all the time about this,i dont want them to fall out but i think he needs to have a word woth her but he said no,even tho he gets my point,i have never done anything to my mil and always treat her with respct i just think she needs to back off im bein backed in a corner and imm starting to resent her and i dont want that 4 the sake of my baby,thers alot more to this and i could moan on all day but im so upset and i just dont know what to do anymore,if my mum gets to much i tell her but i cant do that with mil its not my place and i dont want to be a b*** and fall out with her.next week we are all going out for hubby nans bday and i was really looking 4ward to it as its a restaurnt and it has a farm with animals in it i was looking forward to taking my baby and showing her the animals and fish,she said 2day that as sun was her day she would be showing baby animals and we could just wait in the restaruat,now im dreading it why cant we all go 2gether why does she want my baby all 2 her self its like she is jelous that she isnt the mum,last time we went out she took the buggy off me and took baby off and i just sat there so upset because what could i say or do without upsetting anyone even when baby was crying she wouldnt give me her back it killed me inside i know you might suggest i talk to her but i feel i cant,even tho im a 28 woman who used to always speak her mind im a high dependence nurse and im so assertive at work and would usually wipe the floor with anyone who treated me like this at wo -
11/7/08 14:19
Hi elv,
Sorry you feel that you have been jumped upon for your opinions. I think you must of knew that you would get this sort of reaction from some people though ,especially with your first post sounding like a attack on new mums who you say are on a power trip and just love to slate mil.
I really wish me and my mil would of got on from the start but she never made the effort to and to be honest I did not after our first meeting. Its only now we have dd that she feels she wants to know us but the truth is if my lovely dd was not here we would not see her 1 month to the next. You say dils should just back down and put up with it as its only for a few hours, well if I did take your advice that would not be the case she would be round mine everyday or on the phone to my df demanding we go up there. As we have never got on I think its unfair of her to think that I just should suddenly forget everything just because she is ready to now. She probably does think I am the dil from hell because her being the only women in a family of men she is used being able to get her own way and with me it does not work.
Our lovely baby girl is mine and df daughter we are the only people who have the right to make decisions regarding her if I did back down as you say that would not be the case now as she was trying to make decisions that only the parents or guardians should be making. The day I brought her home from the hospital she was trying to change the milk we had decided to use and wanted us to use disposable bottles that she had found on the Internet some may say she was being helpful but no matter how many times we told her no she still went on about them because in her world she knows best and really hers is the only opinion that matters. You probably think I am being harsh but believe me I don't have enough energy to write some of the worst things she has done. I am glad that you managed to patch things up with your mil and hope that others on here will be able to do the same if they wish to. I am also sorry to hear that you are experiencing issues with your dil I do hope things will get better for you and her in time. Sorry to have rabbited on again but needed to get it out of my system.
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11/7/08 11:38
ELV- I don`t have any inlaws, df has nothing to do with them. I wish that I could meet them but df hasn`t seen them for years and I respect his wishes. If however I did have a mil, I would hope that we would get on but if we didn`t, then we didn`t. And if I came in here looking for support from others that were also going through the same, then I wouldn`t want to be set upon by you and making me feel worse. You should understand that being a first time mum, you want to do things right and people interfering and telling you how you should be doing things is very upsetting, it makes you feel like a bad mum. Since having my dd, I have fallen out with my own family several times over interference, it is not neccessary. Saying things like if it was my child etc etc, is not helping you, only making you worse. If people want to come on here for support and advice then let them. In a thread like this you should keep your opinion to yourself. Obviously the others in here have been upset by their mils, don`t upset them more!
i'm really sorry cos i know i'm going to sound like a whinging cow but really need to get this off my chest, my mil is driving me crazy, she's constantly interfering and my oh will not say a word, she's always making arrangments to have lo without even asking us and has even started lying to oh about me, it is putting a strain on mine and ohs relationship, i don't mind her having him (well i do but have to be fair!!) it's just that as los parents we're the ones who have the right to decide who and when people see him, also my lo has been having tummy aches and mil was trying to make me give him calpol (he was only 3weeks old at the time and not allowed calpol until 2months!!) sick of hearing "if he was mine i'd do this..." i'm stuggling with pnd and don't think i can take much more, shes already come between my oh and his 7yr old his son from previous relationship and now she's going to drive me away, would i be being unreasonable to stop her from seeing lo altogether