alot of us in the same boat - advice PLEASE...
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- alot of us in the same boat - advice PLEASE...
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12/11/08 21:22
01134bo, how are things going ? Hope they are improving for you xx
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25/10/08 17:00
Hi sweetie, what really matters is your family unit, your dp, your babe and you. You have a lot on your plate at the moment with you dp's illness and you going back to work. You do not need additional pressure from your mil who is solely interested to be on her own with lol. She has displayed a completely selfish behaviour even with her own son and does not seem to care about how you feel.
My advice is do only things that you are confortable with and do not feel pressurised to do anything because somelse's say so.
Also i know that you are trying to be nice with everyone, but you make things slighlty harder by contacting your mil or getting your partner to do it. Let's things quiet down for a bit. I used to do the same and I realised that I was making my life more complicated. At the end of the day, it is for your dp to keep in touch with his mum.
For the nursery, previous the previous post is right. They will not let your mil take lol if you do not say it is ok. Given that you feel she will try to get involved at the nursery and used her job to rule the roost, it might be a mistake to let her do it full stop. You do not need your mil ruining your relationship with the nursery!
My mil did not want to look after lol on a regular basis (even if she is retired and live 10 minutes away). She even told me so when baby was not even born. She added that she would only baby sit if it is convenient to her!
So I was forced to send lol at nursery full time when I got back to work. It was very expensive and I had to keep performing very well at my job to pay the fees. And guess what my mil asked for ? She said that she wanted to pick up lol from nursery for an afternoon when she felt like it !!! She even wanted the keys of my house so she could come and play there with lo (the nursery is on the same street) . It might sound harsh but I did not like the idea that I have to work really hard to pay nursery fees and my mil could just drop by for nanny's supermarket. When lol does not attend, I still have to pay the fees ! I did not agree to it and never introduced her to the nursery. In most nursery, you need to be introduced by a parent first before being allowed to pick up a child.
She got my dp to do it once behind my back, but anyway it is pointless because the nursery will not let a child go without the parents' approval. So rest assured, if you do not want your mil to do it then it is your choice. She just cannot dictate her will, you know.
To be honest, I think that your mil does not have a healthy behaviour with her Gks. I thought that my mil was scary but yours match mine for sure. It is also good that your dp realises that she is really obcessed by los.
I hope that this helps you a bit and reassures you. I know that it could be daunting to go back to work, but I found my lo loved nursery. She developed really well there. It is excellent for lo's social skills.
Take care and don't worry too much. You can completely control the situation.
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24/10/08 19:12
oh my gosh, yes, that is what my mil does, she organises things for us to do then says.. we'll have lo. You're absolutely right it is like a challenge or something for her to have lo... she makes out she is trying to be nice to me, but her agenda is always just to get my dd on her own. And this is what I hate & what frustrates me.. because I cannot bare it when I know I am being manipulated. Thankyou all for letting me rant... I did eventually get back to sleep.. about 5am this morning!! I have felt so incredibly depressed today... I just need her to back off for a while... what is it with mil's..?? Its so good to know im not the only one x
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24/10/08 13:50
Was going to say you have DH on your side so stick to your guns... don't listen to your MIL, do what you feel comfortable with
Decide with your DH what extent you both want MIL involved with your lives and dd's. Then you both can set up a united front
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24/10/08 13:47
Your MIL will not be able to collect LO from nursery unless you allow / give the nursery premission for her to collect.
I know what you mean about the being pressured into leaving LO with IN LAWS... I've had this since they found out I was pregnant... Practically every breath is was... when he stays this when he stays that, the constantly wanting him over night or longer.... All I'm going to say is, I allowed them to have him one afternoon and the entire family descended so it isn't happening again for a very long time, as he was really clingy for the next week. They will be allowed to have him if we are staying with them and need a couple of hours but they are never having him over night on his own and they are certainly never going to take him away somewhere on their own
Just one example of the hundreds of times she has tried was ... She bought me a pamper day for my birthday... sounds great you say... at her beauty salon which is over an 2 hours away from where we live!!! All she needed to do was ask my husband and get it for the salon I actually use... she gave it to me with the... we'll look after lo when you go... My answer... thank you but you DH will look after LO.
OK that doesn't sound to bad but like you I'm very sensitive to her trying to get us to leave LO, but this is because she keeps going on about it and it seems to have become an obsession / a challenge for her to get LO as often as possible, so she now organises something for DH and I, which is only for us and not children... you would not believe how many holidays and weekends we have turned down already and he's only 11 weeks old
My parents never went on holiday without me and I know they never went on hols without DH and his sister so why do they expect us to
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24/10/08 11:05
No wonder you couldn't sleep last night, you poor thing. You rant as much as you like - you have a lot to get off your chest.
Thank goodness that dp is on your side, bit it sounds like trouble from his mother is the last thing he needs. She is utterly selfish stressing him out like this. Your mil is completely obsessive and she needs to back off. She is not acting like a normal gp at all. LO is your daughter not hers and she has no right to start saying about collecting dd from nursery etc. It's a priviliege that she sees LO not a right.
I heard on here once before that GPs have no legal rights over their gks, unless it is detrimental to the gk that they don't see their gp ......or something like that. I hope somebody can clarify that. Actually, your mil would probably know the answer to that.
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24/10/08 09:41
I hope you managed to get back to sleep after getting that off your chest - I can understand why the situation is stressing you out though, my lo isn't even here yet and mil is already talking about having the baby when I go back to work (which is more than a year away).
I would just stay strong and try not to let her stress you out (I know this is easier said than done). Stick to what you have decided, I don't think that grandparents have an automatic right to have their grandchildren and do what they want with them - I feel that this is a right they should earn by being supportive and letting you and dh enjoy your family time as I am sure she would have done when her kids were tiny.
If you don't feel comfortable with someone else having your lo, no matter who they are then that is your personal choice. I won't know how I feel until my lo is born but chances are I won't want to be parted from him or her and I am not going to let anyone make me feel bad about that.
Keep venting on here - I find that helps considerably and means that I don't take the stresses out on oh
xx
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24/10/08 03:26
split from ex wife so she has my stepson without ex wife present... even though me & dh are together, she still wants to have dd on her own and pretend for that time, that I dont exist. My dh txtd her after phone cnvs to say that we are a solid family and if we do need her help we will ask, but that she just has to let us get on being our family. Is this all normal or are dh & I being unfair? Do grandparents actually have a 'RIGHT' to their gk's..? This is seriously, becomming an unhealthy obsession for my mil, dh says, right then, we'll just stop her from seeing dd altogether. Im just so stressed with it all, my dh is ill, Im going back to work & very anxious about being apart from dd & she just see's as a golden opportunity to get her hands on dd to do to her what she has done to all the other gk's & be the most favourite person in her life.
Sorry girls... how much have I gone on???!!! Even if no-one reads this reply (I wouldn't blame them.. what a load of waffle!!!) it has made me feel better getting it off my chest, maybe I'l sleep now
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24/10/08 03:21
hi guys, I really just have to get this off my chest, it's 2.30 in the morning & think if I dont get this off my chest, I will never sleep. Im So so so stressed after a phone call from mil this eve. Firstly, I told my husband to call his mother as he hadn't heard from her for a day or 2 & he is very very seriously ill at the mo, it's an ongoing condition, so nothing knew to our cicumstances, but he had had a particularily bad day today, we have both been extremely low today as his illness makes life very hard sometimes. When he told mil about todays hosp visit she replied with ' oh dear, well why dont I take ***** (lo) off your hands' he actually got cross with her as that wasn't the point of his phoning, he said 'if we need you to have ***** then we will ask'. He was pretty P**** off with her when he got off phone as he would actually like her to be a bit concerned about him. So I called her later in the eve when dd was asleep to try & explain to her the dh is pretty low right now, as am I. Within about 1 minute, she turned the conversation around to her having my dd, she really wsn't interested in hearing about dh. She started on AGAIN about when I go back to work next month, ( dd going to nursery 3 days & with dh 2 days) she knows how anxious I feel about it, and she said to me.. it quite exciting for me really.. because ***** (dh)is having her on a thurs & fri I've arrange it with my friend who looks after her gd on a friday that I'll have ****(lo) on a friday too. My dh heard what she was saying & went mad as he has already arranged to take dd to a music group on fridays. She said she could hear I wasn't happy by the tone of my voice, I said to her that I just had too much to think about at the moment & that dh had plans for lo on a friday & that I really just didn't want to be having this convs as I had called her to discuss dh not Lo. Dh told me to put the phone down on her, he's starting to get really fed up with her since he found out she's been saying to people, she is going to have to be on stand by to step in on thurs & fri's as her son probably wont be able to cope looking after his lo when his wife goes back to work. She treats him like a 17yr old lad with his first kid... not a grown man in his thirties!! anyway, she then said, well, I do want to have her over to stay at least a couple of times even before you go back to work please, you cant always just have her to yourselves. She asked my why I did'nt want to let go of lo. I just dont know what it is?? I think, because she just continously, every single time she speaks to me or dh within seconds, she is turning the convs to her having lo.. I guess the more she goes on about it the more I run from the idea, then the more she wants to see lo, its a vicious circle. I honestly think it is because she pushed me to early on to leave my dd with her. I have told her point blank, that she willnot be picking lo up from nursery, yet EVERY time I speak to her she keeps saying, you really must let me have a tour of ****'s new nursery so I know what Im doing when I pick her up. I say, but I wont ever need you to pick her up (have said this about 12 times on different occasions) and she says, oh well just in case you do.. like... she just undermines what I say.. as if she is thinking, I'll pick that baby up from her nursery if it kills me. (her obsession with this is not only to be the good cop that collects dd from nursery, but because of her previous work & dealings with ofsted she wants to go in & play the important person) It is becomming a battle. She is comming over tmrw morning to see dh, when I told her we wouldn't be ther as dd got mmr, she said oh, well we'll wait for you as lo will be grumpy and she'll need me to make her feel better. I know what is happening here, I think, because, bil is seperated from sil so she has gk's all the time without sil present. And dh is (obviously!) s
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23/10/08 23:26
I know what you mean about feeling supported on here. When my MIL visited us for a week, last February, I wrote a "diary" in my past-due-in forum .....just to get things off my chest. The other mums were fantastic and really helped me through the week. I've found this forum helpful too and makes me feel like I'm not alone or it's all my fault.
You are not a nut job at all - please don't think that. Don't let your mil make you think you are. At least you were able to talk to her about it. Stick to your guns & don't let her grind you down. I'm glad that you've cancelled the holiday with her. Chat again with us in the morning, as it sounds like your head is really spinning tonight.
Frenchmaman, I was so shocked to hear about your mil bottle-feeding LO. I'd have gone ballistic. Mine was bad enough when she told me I'd have to stop bf at 9mths.
xx
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21/10/08 22:44
Hey sweetie, first of all, you are not a nut job. If there is a job here, it is coming from your mil (sorry still cannot go over the topless cuddle, even if it was 8 years ago !)
You sound like a first time mum. I do not know about the other girls, but I felt a bit insecure too. Was I doing the right thing ? Was I bonding well with my baby ? Was I just a good mum ? All these feelings can be intensified if you feel like an older more experienced woman keeps monolising little one, like to take her away from you. It might sound like a nuty thing to say, but it is how I felt with my mil.
Like yours, at her place, she used to literally throw herself on my baby and disappear in another room, the minute I entered her house. Sometimes, I felt I was not even allowed to touch my own baby (only when she needed a nappy change). Actually that was it, I was only good at nappy changing. My mil was against me breastfeeding. It was too much intimasy between me and my baby. She even went to give her formula against my will, when I let her baby sit lol (while I was gone to get lol’s passport). I still remember the air of triumph on her face when I got back while she had the bottle stuck in her mouth. She did not even stopped and carried on feeding her formula. My breast was aching and I felt completely humiliated. Now I realised she had no right at all to do that !
You know, the first woman I heard say that I was a good mum, was my own mum when lol was 3 month old. I was visiting her with lol for the first time , as my mum lives in France. I had to fight back the tears. All my mil used to say was critisms and upset me so much !
Sometimes my mil gave me the impression that she would do anything to keep lol away from me and make sure that she had all the attention. Just like you.
I found that handling my mil was a lot easier in my own house. It must be a territory thing. With time, I became more assertive and started saying no to her. No, I a feeding her, no she needs a bath now, no I do not give chocolate to a 1 year old, ....
I read a book that I found useful. It is called the grand parents book. You might find it useful too !! It explains that grandparents can never replace parents. Being a grandparent is another kind of relationship. Reading it was a bit of a revelation.
Big hug !
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20/10/08 23:44
nanny 54, thank you so much, the bit you say about the mother/daughterbond in comparison to the gp/child bond has made me feel so much better. I think I just need to take back control of the situation, I have been so damn petrified that my dd who I love so very much will prefer mil to me. I told her tonight, that I dont feel part of her family, yet I feel my dd is part of HER family, therfore I feel excluded. I told her that her job & child psychology experience makes me feel that I cant compete with her in terms of how to form the right attchments with my dd. Yesterday we were meant to go to mil's so she could see my dd, In the end I asked her to come to us as dd hadn't slep well & I didn;t want to take her out. I realised that when mil is in my house she cant just take my dd off to other rooms so they can have 'just them time' because she is in my house she has to be polite enough to be in everyones elses company. Usually at her house, it doesn't matter who is visiting, she will take dd off to a room, so it is just the two of them & find reasons for other people in the house to keep me busy so I dont interupt them. This time, at my house, dd was interested in mil, but I didn't feel nearly as threatend as I normally do. Because I knew she wasn't going to dissapear with her. Mil said to me tonight that I have to accept that dd is going to start forming attachments with other people & that she would only do this if she had a good attachment with me, I told mil that I felt she had the upper hand as she knew how to do this stuff better than me, She said that I keep dd away from her more than any of her othe gk's ( It was obvious she has been discussing this situation with people as much as I have). Im not sure if we are actaually any better than before, but it is very obvious that her gk's still mean the whole world to her & her relationship with them means more to her than anything, regardless of the consequences. I think that it is up to me to make the change, I think that I need to be confident & secure in the knowledge that my dd will, when the chips are down, need me, her mummy, over my mil, her granny.
My dh & I have cancelled our hol with mil & fil, and as for how my sil reacted when she found her dd with my naked mil on her chest.. well, it was 8 years ago (before I was on the scene) so I think her anger had subsided when she told me the story but she went abolutely crazy & I know, it caused huge problems in her marriage with my bil, they are no longer married now, my sil is a midwife, and VERY asertive so mil is very wary of how she behaves now, but mil is very VERY manipulative, I told her that too this eve.
Mil in law is making me feel like I am a bit of a nut job with my dd & that I love her too much.. I am off to bed now to reflect on our evenings conversations to try & make sense of it all....
Thank you all so much, isnt it bizzare, that turning to a bunch of strangers actually makes me feel supported..???!!!!!
will update soon x x x
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20/10/08 20:12
Yeah, I'm curious to know what was said too xx
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20/10/08 19:15
I have to ask what did your SIL say to her when she found her topless with your niece? And what did your MIL say?! -
20/10/08 07:17
i am a gp to three and am very close to all my gks. ithink that it is good to create bond between gp and gkids, a natural bond that is . what your ml is doing is not naturel . she is using her gks as some sort of experiment for her work with children, if she was asking you to do all these bonding things i could understand it as it is her work but to be trying to bond with her gk in this way is just odd. as everyone else has said though your lo responds to this as she sees her as someone who gives her all the attention she wants and gives in to all her whims , but you will find that she will always come to you for real love . kids need there mum in a way they will never need their gps, they might love gps but not in the same dependent way that they meed mum. also as she gets older she will feel stiffled by mils constant demands on her . i hope this makes sense.
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18/10/08 13:56
I am beyond shocked at what your MIL did with the baby. That is utterly wierd, especially as she' a a child protection officer. Surely she could lose her job over doing something so perverse as that with her own gk.
I totally agree with the last 2 posts - do not let dd alone with her for one moment, if that's the kind of thing she does. What did dh say ? That's good you don't have to go on holiday with her, but you shouldn't be so scared to tell dh. Keep us posted xx
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17/10/08 21:33
To tell you the truth I was quite shocked by what your mil did with your little niece !
I agree with the last post, and think that your mil might be a bit disturbed (mentally) to say the least. It is more than hippy new age !! It is plainly shocking !
It really sounds to me that she is desperate to "own" her grandkids in a very intimate way. It is nearly like she wants to become the mum. The top off behaviour is off limits !! This is what a breastfeeding mum does.
You are right to have organised a chat with her. It is really good to let her know that you disagree with her weird behaviour. Things might well improve. If you can just tell her immediately, when she does something inappropriate.
You are right about the creche too ! it is lovely to pick up lol. Such a good feeling when they crawl to you and climb on your leg. it is your baby and your time with her is precious.
Finally, in complete agreement with last post, I would not if I could leave my lol with someone like that. I had a similar problem with my mil who used to go against safety rules with my lol. (for example, she left her unattended while she went moving her car, she would put her to sleep on her belly against my wishes, ....). I ended up being so stressed about her baby sitting, that I stopped her doing it for a while. I was so worried about what she would be up to next.
Good luck for the chat and let us know how it went.
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17/10/08 14:03
Jesus, that is just very weird, a grandmother taking her top off, i would have went mental as well... I think she sounds as though she possibly has some mental issues??
Good for you having a ttalk to her, you're bound to be scared if your DD and DH is your only family, anyone would be, but your doing the right thing by confronting her with this. Make her realise you will not tolerate her behaving like that.
I would agree putting your DD in nursery whilst you go back to work, there would be no way on earth i would leave my daughter with a mentalist like that (sorry) but i couldnt. GOD knows what she would say and do to her???? Your DD might like nursery my DD loved it the moment she went and still is now
It sounds like your DH thinks it quite normal for grandparents to act like this, probably cos she acted this way around him and his sibblings.. but sorry to say its just plain weird acting like that around her grandkids??
Let us know how you get on with this talk.... and maybe suggest she act more like a grandmother rather then using her 'techniques' SP on her grandchild, tell her she might be pleasantly surprised..
Im still absoultely dumb-founded by that fact she took her top off with a 2mth old
thats the freakest thing ive ever heard a grandparent do?????????????????? -
17/10/08 00:00
Hiya,
First of all I have to say omg I would go balistic if I walked in and caught mil or mum with no top on with my dd naked on her, that is just plain bloody weird. Thats exactly what mothers are encouraged to do after there child is born sounds like she is trying to take on a mother role for some strange reason, why not enjoy the grannys role though? She has had her own kids to do that with. I just have to say your a better person than me hun, I would of walked away and they would definatley be no holiday infact if I am honest I would probably of cut all contact, as I would of just found her behaviour to freaky. My mil has done similar thing but no where near as extreme as yours. I really hope your chat works and you manage to get things sorted. tc Emma x
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16/10/08 22:31
oh, and tcb1970.. you have hit the nail on the head for me in two things... firstly about having first child and keeping them to yourself to start with, when you said ' I just didn't realise I had the right' that is EXACTLY how I feel.... which is why I cant wait to have second! And secondly in the cup of coffee while the kids nag her to play bit!!!! That made me feel so, so much better!! I can Just picture it in a few years...!!! thank you!! x
hi, I often read the grandparent threads and have been following sugar08's awful situation for a while now... I really really feel for you by the way, I have come to the conclusion that alot of gp's think the same way, ie; that they have some right over the grandchildren. Im in a situation & I really need someone to tell me if im being silly or not. here goes. To cut a very long story short, my husband was extremely unsupportive during my pregnancy & decided that going out & getting trollied with his friends was his way of dealing with it, he was horrendous right up untill I went into labour (he is a changed man now dd is here!) his mother took every opportunity to interfere, she barely spoke to me during pregancy & made my life a hundred times worse, she has 2 sons who in her eyes can do no wrong. Once mil & I fell out so badly during my pregnancy that I went into premature labour at 20 weeks & nearly miscarried. All down to her sending me vicious txt msgs. Anyway, as soon as dd arrived, she was all over her, she has 3 other gk's and is OBSESSED with all of them! She is a VERY NEEDY lady who has to be the one they love the most, & will do whatever it takes to be the number one favourite in her GK's lives. To the detriment of the parental relationship. I have watched my husband in tears as his 5 yr old son (my ss) chants 'i want grandma I want grandma' constantly. He runs to her all the time as do my nieces. When my dd was born, I was very hostile towards mil because of her treatment of me during pregnancy, once she held my 3 day old dd for 2 hrs on her chest, telling me she needed to 'bond' with her. She manipulated me very early in my dd's life by being SO nice to me, I was forced to 'have a night out' and leave my 1 month old dd with her even though I insisted I didn't want to, she told me I owed it to my hubby to go out with him for a night!!! As time has gone on I have felt so threatend by her, she would get right in my dd's face and monopolise her for hours. ignoring me and saying without taking her eyes of my dd, oh, go and do some housework or something, let me have some bonding time with her. she makes me feel like because Im not blood, Im not part of 'their' family, but my lo is. I dont have any family of my own. So consequently, I feel so unimportant & left out. My lo has now aged 1, star ted wriggling to get out of my arms to go to grandma, if grandma walks in the room, she frantically crawls over to her & holds her arms up to her & its soul destroying, I cant bare to go through this as my husband has with his first child and my sil has with her daughters, my husbands ex & my sil both feel the same, they warned me it would happen. She's like the freaking pide piper or something..??!!! But like my husband keeps pointing out, she hasn't actually done anything wrong.. so what can I do. I know she is the most manipulative person I have ever met, but can she really manipulate a 1 yr old to love her the best?? This is starting to make me get angry with my dd, which is affecting our relationship and my mil is revelling in it. And I feel like screaming at my dd... 'you love her so much more than me, yet if it was left down to her I would have miscarried you'. My mil used to be a cpo in social services so has spent most of her adult life studying child psychology, she knows exactly how to work children, but keeps that knowledge securely to herself. We're all going on holiday together soon, and Im not quite sure I can cope with it... I just want her to be a normal gran, you know, knit stuff and give her sweets when I say she cant have them.. that type of thing...! my dd doesn't need 2 mums, when my dd is upset, or falls over I want her to come to me for comfort, not to her gran as my ss does. ANY advice would be so appreciated, my husband is bored of listening to me go on, and you know what men are like, they shut their ears off & say yes & no in the right