The Final Countdown
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- The Final Countdown
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26/11/08 11:43
Hi hun, hope your ok, sounds a bit better and that dp is sticking up for you xx
speak soon huni xxx
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19/11/08 21:24
Tsk tsk Lizzy, there I was all geared up for a juicy installment full of apple pie beds and the now famous joke soap and what do we get? Normality (of sorts). Crikey, I doubt my fil would even let me over the threashold lol.
Seriously, glad it's going ok and so glad you're letting anything fly over your head. Hope you have fabulous time catching up with friends, have a glass of plonk for me.
M x
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19/11/08 17:33
Hi Lizzy, i am glad it is going better than expected! My MIL has now gone away til Xmas. . How nice does that feel! Anyway, keep in touch and just remember not long now!
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19/11/08 16:50
Hello Girls, I'm surviving !!! Bonus was that dp didn't want me to drive down on Monday night ( worried about me driving when tired ). So, I drove down yesterday and arrived here mid-afternoon and I leave tomorrow morning.
Dp has had serious words with mil about criticising me. She did tell him that she's only speaking her mind. To which he replied that not everyone appreciates that, especially when she's criticising parenting skills. All credit to dp - thank you, dp. We can tell that mil is really straining to make an effort here and has just slipped up on a few minor things. As I'm here for less than 48hrs I'm just smiling politely and letting it fly over my head......if we were here for any longer then I'm not sure things would go so smoothly. Twice today she has offered dp a cuppa tea and not me, but hey, it's no big deal. Then I put LO on her lap and she said to me, "Right off you go !" I just sat down next to her, as I had no idea where I was supposed to go. Like I said, knowing I'm only here for less than 48hrs and on neutral territory makes the situation far more bearable.
Thanks for your support. I'll let you know if anything else happens and aplogies for this not being as exciting as you'd hoped for xxxx
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18/11/08 19:23
hey lizzy, massive ((((((((((hugs))))))))) i hope everything is going ok down there xxx
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15/11/08 23:23
Lizzy i will be awaiting eagerly.... (sp) on new after the fantastic Mil Diaries i am waiting..... he he
but hun dont stress to much..... all will be calm... and just remember we are here xxx
i will be in the same place in a few weeks but that is for PDIA07 ladies !! xx
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15/11/08 20:51
Yes, I've found you Lizzy. Only 2 days eh?!!
M x
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15/11/08 05:39
Didn't realise there was such a huge round trip involved (assumed the reunion was close to where you were going to be with mil)! No I don't think you are being selfish - you had already made the plans and it can be so hard to keep in touch with friends that live away from you, plus you would have just spent 2 days with mil so not like she hasn't seen you at all! I guess it is for OH to chose whether he joins you or stays with his mil!
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14/11/08 22:33
Hello any PDIA07 mummys who have found me here ! If I ever get a moment on the laptop, next week, then this is where the MIL diaries will be........and if she is all sweetness and light, then they won't be necessary at all. Please don't mention this forum or the mil diaries in PDIA07, as it's a bit of a sensitive issue with dp and at the moment he is being fairly understanding. I doubt he'll go into Bounty of his own accord, but if he does then it's entirely my fault for forever going on about Bounty-this and Bounty-that and showing him replies to some of my threads about LO......he is very much a Bounty-widower and does ask how everyone is - bless !
Brief summary: I am up-north & dp is in London with mil, who arrived in the UK on Thursday and plans to stay for 7-8wks. LO & I will drive down to London, late on Monday night ( to avoid traffic and to fit in with Lo's bedtime ). We will spend 2 days with mil and on Thursday will drive down to Kent to visit numerous friends and former colleagues. LO & I will drive home on Sunday ( 23rd ).
Yes, Pink-Salmon, I could drive back up to London ( from our friends ) on the Saturday morning and then back down again for dinner, but I don't really fancy a 100mile round trip on the M25. Dp hasnt mentioned the birthday again, so I'm going to continue with our original plans. Am I being unreasonable ?
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14/11/08 16:36
Lizzy - could you not perhaps spend the morning with mil or have lunch with her on her birthday and still meet your friends for dinner? I agree that it takes effort to get groups of people together and you should not have to cancel a plan that has already been made!
When do you have to go to London? At least it will soon be over and done with until the next visit!
xx
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14/11/08 10:52
Just when I'm psyching myself up for 2 whole days of non-stop MIL, followed by a rewarding 3 days catching-up with friends ( back where we used to live ). DP phones ( from London ) and says, "Oh, btw, it's mil's birthday on Saturday ( 22nd ) ." Cough, cough, splutter, splutter. He did add that it kind of messes up our plans. Too right: we're having a reunion, plus a big dinner that day with our friends !!!!!
I sort of feel we should do something with mil, but it's a real effort to get our friends in the same place at the same time and we don't see them very often. Even dp would rather be with our friends. I'm not that surprised he forgot it was mil's birthday. They don't do birthdays in his family and she doesnt even acknowledge his birthday at all, so in that respect she can hardly expect us to celebrate hers. Just I imagine she'll be a bit of a drama queen if we don't. What would you do ?
Frenchmaman, I really don't think that Ems was implying that you think your better than us. I didn't pick up on that whatsoever. Anyway, nevermind, end of subject.
xxx
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13/11/08 19:56
Good god, Emns, it sounds like you are surrounded by 6 fingered people. I am not better than any of you. I am just trying to help out as I also have my own burden of difficult mil. Sometimes reading some stories, I am thinking it was / is just what happened to me.
Lizzy, please do not stress out too much. She is not staying at yours. And you partner is making a few concessions. Stay calm and firm, and you will be just fine.
Let us know how you get on.
Big hug.
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13/11/08 07:55
Lizzy the French are pretty much like people the world over some are nice some are nasty. Some can be racist most are ok as long as you are white and make an effort to speak French(even if you do sound like the police man off Allo allo lol). As the French first lady pointed out this week there virtually no black people in politics in France(under 5 members) and no arab members at all, France does have an ethnic population the same as the UK. Before any one asks I've been living in rural France for over 3 years now.
I think the problems with some MIL is that they know best, even if they are 30 years out of date.
Some mothers just can't let go. My step DD's mother has to visit her every day, ring twice a day, and she's married now with 3 kids and her husband is going spare about his house not being his own!!! She is also very strong willed and falls out with her all the time and tries to drag him into the argument by phoning him at work to get him to tell his wife she's wrong. It's not just mothers that have it bad some times fathers have it bad too!
Funny thing is we moved to France partly to avoid DH's ex! Yes she even tried to get her claws in my 3 kids. She was for ever having dramas with SDD and driving all of us nuts. My step son in law loves to come here as he gets a week with out MIL.
Emma
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12/11/08 21:53
Yes, as always, Frenchmaman speaks VERY wise words. I think Channel 4 should do a "Supernanny" version of dealing with problem MILs. Frenchmaman could travel the length and breadth of the country helping traumatised DILs !!!
I am soooooo utterly shocked about your mil shaking LO
However, I can totally understand how you were too shocked to say anything. I'm sure I'd have been exactly the same.I'm afraid to say that genuine posh people can be extremely rude. Maybe not in France, but they certainly can be here. I know for sure that mil comes from a background where you'd expect her to know better.....but she doesnt.
Christmas at our house just wouldn't be Christmas: we'd be squashed into our small kitchen / diner and struggling to cook a turkey in an oven that is rather tempremental - we only trust it to do pizzas and jacket potatoes. Whereas, my parents home is idyllic for Christmas: big log fire, soppy dog, forest views, lots of space and a feast of a dinner.
Mil arrives in London tomorrow and dp drove down there today. We've avoided talking about my trip down there, but he knows how anxious I am about it. He admitted that he's also very anxious and said that I didn't have to go down ! I pointed out that he'd get a right earful if mil doesnt get to see LO and then he'd surely resent me for not making an effort. My even bigger concern is that she'd travel up here to see LO and there's no knowing how long she'd stay for. Now my dad is worried sick that I'm driving over 200miles, at night ( to avoid traffic ) in an 11yr old car, with his precious gk. I just want to gte the whole thing out of the way asap and then start looking forward to Christmas.
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29/10/08 22:29
Lizzy- the Frenchmaman speaks wise words indeed!
Now, remember your "things to do before she gets here list"-
1. Joke soap
2. Apple Pie bed
3. Laxetives
Small but priceless victories
Seriously Lizzy, you will get on your peaceful cloud and anything she says or does which is annoying will gently waft over your head. Daisy will have the measure of her by now and actions speak louder than words. Plaster the fakest smile you can manage and be overly polite or else scream blue bloody murder at her and chuck her on the train back to London (first class obviously
) with your Jimmy Choo imprint firmly on her Edinburgh Wollen Mill clad behind.M x
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29/10/08 22:12
Hey Lizzy, your mil sounds unbelievable ! She stayed at your parents and critised your parents hospitality. That is so rude. I really makes me laugh how people pretend to be posh but actually do not behave as such. Genuine posh people would never say anything like that. It is really a Hyacinth type of situation. Mouton badly dressed as lamb. Actually my mil is very similar to Mrs Bucket too. (humble background but pretends to be the perfect middle class house wife). She calls me a spoilt brat as I actually come from a very different background to hers...
Listen to this one. When I was about 7 month pregnant, my mil told me that one posh friends of hers would not speak to single mother. It was a direct dig at me as I was not married to dp at the time and was a single mother as she liked to call me. On the day, I was horrified, but now I makes me laugh. I should have replied "Good, I am not interested in speaking to this type of nouveau riche narrow minded uncultured woman either. Please make sure we never meeet, Dear. "
As for Christmas, I had another idea. What about having Christmas at yours and invite everybody ? I used to go to my mil's every Christmas and I was so unconfortable. It was very tense for me. So when my parents decided to visit from France last year, I came up with the idea of organising Christmas at mine. It was hilarious as my in laws were told by dp to "put a crash helmet on, as I was not going to cook turkey for Chrismas"! Ah ah, so funny! I
For the Gp rivalry, your mil needs to get over it. She is not the only granny in lo's life and your mother is the main nan as she is in the Uk and sees lo a lot more. She is an adult and is supposed to behave as such. Your lo is not a tiny baby anymore and she will probably run toward your mum rather than your mil, you know. I cannot believe that she was so possessive when you mum visited either ! Your mum sounds really wise and lovely. Don't worry children pick up on things like that, and your little girl is going to protest if your mil monopolises her against her will. My little girl does and my mil finds herself confronted to a screaming toddler saying no. That is very funny too !
One last story, when my girl was a small baby, my dp and I visited my in laws. My mil wanted to feed lo but I simply said no. She waited sitting next to me during the whole feed. As soon as lo finished the last drop of milk, she threw herself at her and grabbed her. I did not have the time to burp her. She stood up as quick as Jumping Jack Flash and started marching to another room. My baby was so surprised that she started crying in protest. And my mil shook her !!!! And she said "No, not with your grandma" And she shook her agai. I WAS HORRIFIED. My heart sank. Shaking a baby, my precious litle baby... I was speechless and my dp did not even notice as he was talking to his father.
Now looking back, I was too scared and shocked to say anything. And I'll never forgive myself because I should have. Today, I am a lot more assertive and I will say something when I am not happy. it does not have to be mean or harsh, but I make my voice heard. As a result, my mil does not dare as much and knows well that I am not going to say amen to all she says and does because she is my mil. I am not scared of her anymore. You can do it too. I know you can. She is just a person and you are a person with a voice too !
Take care.
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29/10/08 12:39
That is such a coincidence: I used to descibe mil as being a cross between Hyacinth Bucket and the Queen too !!!!!!!! Except mil doesnt put on an accent - she has the genuine one. She even corrected the way I speak once !!!!
Yes, it will be dp's loss if he isnt with us on 25th. I think it will be a real shame though. Mum thinks that by inviting mil to join us that everything will be hunkydory and all our problems resolved. She's such a sweetie and isnt thinking of the tension that can occur between "rival" GPs.
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29/10/08 12:15
I had to laugh at the 'horrified that my parents let their dog in the house' bit! She would love my house, the dog has his own sofa (the footrest part of our sofa), his own toybox, bed in our bedroom!
You sound quite upbeat Lizzy hun - just think about how magical Christmas is going to be with your lo this year as she is little bit older so will enjoy it more than she would have done last year. If your oh decides to spend his day with his mother then it is his loss!
My mil also acts as if she is better than everyone else and turns her nose up at my family but at the end of the day i get the support that I need from my family which I am truely grateful for!
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29/10/08 11:04
Pmsl @ 'Lady Bracknell' My MIL is like Hyacinth Bucket (Keeping Up Appearances) putting on Airs and graces, and i swear her fake posh accent gets more like the queen everytime i speak to her. I am lucky in a way that she won't come round here at Xmas, she likes being the hostess too much, that way she can mop her brow dramatically and her hubby will rush and get her a Gin & Tonic!
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29/10/08 00:38
Thanks for your wise words !
I agree with the not being alone in the room with her, as that's when she's at her absolute worst - & what dp never gets to see. However, I was trying to include her in bathtime and bedtime, so I could hardly ask dp to come and hover around - he'd think I was nuts ! However, this time I will make sure that he is around as much as possible and absolutely no way will she be left alone with LO.
As for Christmas. I can very well imagine dp choosing his mother over us, which is why I wasnt shocked when he told me......just very sad. He hasnt spent Xmas with her in years, so it's not like it's a tradition for him.
Fair point about Boxing Day.....if dp fancies driving us 250miles. & yes, my mum has suggested that MIL might like to join us all, at their house. My parents are wonderful and take in allsorts. However, mil is very possessive over LO and, last February, she actually got on the floor and almost wrapped herself around LO when my mum popped round to say hello, as if to say keep away. Mum had already told me that she wouldn't ask to hold LO, as she suspected that there'd be some GP rivalry, so we just let mil get on with it and ignored her. I just know that the atmosphere would stink if she were with us: imagine 1 GK and 3 GPs ??? Especially, as LO loves her grandad to pieces and has no idea who mil is.
Besides, mil has already stayed at my parents home ( NYE 2 or 3 years ago ) . Dad had her sussed within minutes, but is old enough and wise enough to just laugh ! It was like having "Lady Bracknell" ( Importance of Being Ernest ) to stay. She was horrified that my parents allow the dog into the house and turned her nose up at almost everything. My parents went out of their way to make her stay comfortable and afterwards she told dp that my mum didn't make enough of an effort. She was annoyed with dp for dragging her up here and wasting her time ! I'm not going to say anymore, but I could very well publish a book.
There's not a lot I can do now. Dp and I have reached an agreement, which he has to run by mil. I'll let you know what she says ....
.......until mil arrives in UK, on 13th October, and I'm absolutely pooing myself. She is an ex-pat on The Algarve and hasnt seen LO since February. I've been dreading her next visit ever since.
I thought she'd just be over for a week or 2 (staying in London for most of her trip ), but she announced to dp that she'll be here until after Christmas !!!!!!! I'm sure she'll want to spend Christmas with us, as her eldest son only speaks to her via a solicitor and her middle son refuses to allow her into his house. We've already arranged to spend the day with my parents.....but that minor detail is unlikely to stop her.
I'm using this thread to vent off, so don't feel you need to reply.