text jokes
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6/8/08 09:50
6/8/08 09:47
alrite mate everyone has been s***ging u off sayin that u like c*** sandwiches, but it's ok i put them right and told them u don't like bread.
4/8/08 11:50
oh my god ive just seen two deaf lesbians walking down the street with their hands in each others knickers, do u think they were lip reading?
old lady goes to dentist , sits on chair pulls down her knickers and lifts her legs, he says imnot a cynocologist, she said i know i want u to take my husbands teeth out!
4/8/08 10:11
man walks up 2 a womanin the bar n says "hi the names bond" the woman says "let me guess james?" the man replies "no uni im here 2 fill ur crack"
grandad n granson walk in2 a betting shop kid asks "grandad can i put a bet on?" grandad says can u touch ur ass with urb d*ck kid says no. grandad tells him if he cant then he is not old enough. kid goes 2 the shop b buys a scratchcard n wins £50,000. the grandad suggests they should split it. the kid asks his grandad if he can touch i ass with his d*ck n he replies yes ofcourse i can im a grown man. the kid turns round n says well go f*** urself then!
gay guy goes 2 a tattoo shop n says he want 2 get a tatoo 4 his bf, man asks what his bf likes. the gay guy says boxing. the tattoo guy suggests getting mike tyson on 1 bum cheek n frank bruno on the other. he goes home n shows his bf his new tatoo n his bf says ur dumped! if u think im getting in the ring between those 2 u can f*** off!
paddy calls 999 n says his m8 is critcally ill outside 10 eucaliptus street 999 operator askes how 2 spell it. the line goes silent 4 5 mins n the operator gets worried the the paddy says dnt worry ive dragged him 2 3 oak street!
billy sees john carring a bag n asks whats in it john says chickens. billy says if i guess how many r in the bag can i have 1? john replies if u guess right u can have both chickens billy says ok erm 5......
26/7/08 16:19
a women comes home to find her man blowdrying his c***.she says "wot the fuk r u doin?" he answers,"heating up ur dinner...!!"
name 6 gr8 kings who have brought happiness in2 proples lifes. ans:- drin-king,fuc-king,lic-king,suc-king span-king & wan-king.
teacher draws a penis on the board.ne1 kno wot this is? johnny says,my dad has 2 of them,a small 1 for weeing & a big 1 for cleaning the babysitters teeth.
essesx girl & john r playing hide n seek.girl sends john a txt."if u find me, u can lick my pussy n fuk me up the arse, if u cant im in the shed"
21/7/08 20:33
Anyone have any new ones????
3/7/08 21:27
ok, so these may not be very pc, but they are funny:
3 things you should never say in a gay bar. 1) bugger me, its hot in here. 2) f*** me the beers cheap and 3) excuse me mate, do you mind if i push yer stool in a bit.
there are 5 stages of sex. 1) smurf sex, when you first met and s*** til your blue in the face. 2) kitchen sex, when you've been together a short while and will s*** anywhere in the house. 3) bedroom sex, sex is a routine and you'll only do it in the bed on a very occasional night. 4) hallway sex, you pass in the hakk and both say "f*** you". 5) courtroom sex, wife takes you to court and screws you in front of 20 strangers.
asylum seeker on side of road eating grass. car stops, driver says "dont eat that, come home with me". ayslum seeker says "i have 4 wives and 12 kids, can they come too?". driver replys "f*** off, i've only got a small lawn"
got a new job with the samaritans last week, tried to phone in sick this morning and the b***s talked me out of it.
wifes prayer: as i lay me down to sleep i pray for a man who's not a creep. one who's handsome, smart and strong, one whose willy is thick and long. one who'll screw til me body's twitching, in the hall, the garden or the kitchen. i pray this man will love me no-end and never attempt to s*** my best friend. then as i kneel and pray by my bed, i look at the w.a.n.k.e.r you sent me instead.
i've just won a holiday off radio one. me and 3 mates. 2 weeks in spain with £300 spending money each. i was wondering, as i think of you as a good close friend and if you have nothing planned, would you mind putting me bins out next week?
a new kama-sutra position has been announced. its called "the plumber"... 2 people stay in all day and no fu.cker comes.
30/6/08 15:15
one good thing about getting older is that multi-tasking becomes easier.you can sneeze,p!ss,and sh!t yourself at the same time.
police report,a woman has been sexually assaulted with a hoover nozzle.although still in hospital,she is said to be picking up nicely.
man and wife having a stroll in the zoo.gorilla starts to get a hard on as he see's the wife.husband says 'lift up youir skirt and tease him'.ape goes mental.'get yout t!ts out'.ape goes berserk! husband opens the cage and throws wife in.'now tell him you've got a f***!n headache'!!
the day the penis asked for a raise. i hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons.i do physical labour,i work at great depths,i dont get weekends or public holidays off,i work in a damp environment,i work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation,i work in high temperatures,my work exposes me to contagious diseases. sincerely p.niss
dear p.niss,after assessin your request and considerin the arguments u have raised,we reject your request for the following reasons: u dont work 8 hrs straight,u fall asleep after brief work periods,u dont take initiative,u need to be pressured and stimulated into starting work,u leave the work place rather messy at the end of your shift,u dont always observe necessary safety regulations such as wearin the correct protective clothin,ur unable to work double shifts and if that wasnt all u constantly enter the worlplace carrying two suspicious bags. yours sincerely v.gina
27/6/08 13:01
2 men on oppositeside of the world but are thinking the same thing.
1 is walking a tightrope between 2 skyscrapers and the other is having a blow job off an 85yr old woman. what are they thinking???
DON'T LOOK DOWN! DON'T LOOK DOWN!!!!!
27/6/08 09:04
Female version of the lords prayer........................................................
My vibrator which brings me heave, rabbit be thy name,til kingdom come thy maketh me cum, on earth, or is it heaven? Give me this day my daily thrill, and forgive me my screams, as i forgive those, who sold me dud batteries, lead me straight into temptation, but deliver me from frustration, for thine is the vibration, the power and rotation, for ever and ever.......NO MEN!!
25/6/08 17:39
Do you wanna buy a 42inch LCD telly for 85 quid, the volume button don't work but for that price you cant turn it down.
Omg the amount of replies i got after sending that one was amazing- me and dh were aching with laughter.
25/6/08 16:02
wife moaning to husband, "you never take me anywhere expensive anymore" ......Husband replies "get your coat on". "Where are you taking me?" she asks, ..."To the petrol station!!"
paddy is going on holiday, so asks murphy if he wants any fags bringing back, "yes"says murphy "you can bring me 200 back". one week later paddy calls round with the 200 fags, "thats £74.50" he tells murphy, "Fu(king hell" replies murphy "where the hell did you go on holiday?" "butlins!!!" replied paddy,
10/6/08 19:29
an 80yr old man sucked his 70yr old wifes breasts and was dead the next day. post mortem read ' died for drinking expired milk, best b4 55yrs ago.
been involved in a traffic accident. hit 3 coloured ppl on a zebra crossing, one went thro my windscreen, one dented the bonnet, one bounced 200 yard up the road, the cops hav been gr8. done 1 for breakin n entering, 1 for criminal damage n 1 for leaving the scene of an accident. ( i do apoligise abt tht 1).
iv got loads more on my otha phone but a canna find it.
8/6/08 22:29
whats the difference between a nun praying and a nun in the bath? 1 has hope in her soul & the other has has soup in her hole.
WOMAN ARSE SIZE STUDY..... there is a new study about women & how they feel about their arses. the results r pretty interesting: 30% of women think their arse istoo fat... 10% think their arse is too skinny.... the remaining 60% say they don't care,they love him, hes a good man, and they wouldntwant to change him!
woman was helpin her hubby set up computer, "u now have to enter a password". hubby feelin randy tries 2 hint and shock his wife by typin PE NIS - wife fell off her chair laughin when computer replied PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH.
woman sends knickers to laundrette but they come back stained. she sends note "use more soap on clothes." man sends back note "use more paper on ar se!"
a bloke invites his new bird to his home to meet his parents for the first time. he explains that they are both deaf and dumb. when they arrive his mum has a beer bottle up her fan ny & the dad is sitting with his boll*cks out &a match stick proping his eye open. his bird says "wot on earth is going on?"bloke replies "its sign language, my mum is saying get the beers in you c*nt and me dads sayin boll*cks, im watchin the match!"
1/6/08 19:03
men are like a pack of cards: you need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to whack them with and a spade to bury the b***s!!!
i wanted to send you something smart funny and sexy, but the postman told me to get the f*** out the post box!!
the fanny poem:this is a hole that never heals, the more you rub it the better it feels, but all the soap from here to hell can never get rid of that f***ing smell!!!
woman standing nude looks in her bedroom mirror and says to her husband, ' i look fat, horrible and ugly, pay me a complement. husband says your eyesight is f***ing spot on
a man is carrying 5 babies on a train when a lady asks 'are they all yours?'. the man replies ' no i work in a condom factory and these are all customer complaints'!!
you network has switched to a new payment plan. the cost is determined by the size of your fanny-the baggier it is the cheaper. in your case, your calls are free!!
whats the definition of pure innocence? a nun working in a condom factory thinking she is making sleeping bags for mice!!!
red alert, .......an alien ship has just landed and is abducting all the sexy intelligent people.dont worry, i am just texting to say goodbye!
hhelloo iis tthiss tthhe oownerr of tthhe sshopp tthhatt i gott tthe vibbrratttor ffromm? hhow ddoo u tturnn thhe ff***kingg thhingg offf?
1/6/08 18:51
p*** the taking is someone that realise you that point this at is it
now read it backwards!!
1/6/08 18:21
PMSL - brilliant!25/5/08 22:13
pmsl i like that one!
25/5/08 18:30
has anyone got any good ones???? here is one i got sent to me
A mate of mine in the army just married a girl from Switzerland. She can wash up with one hand, cook tea with the other, dust with one foot, while sucking his c*ck as she opens his beer with her a*se. Shes a Swiss army wife!!!!!!
husband says 2 wife, everytime i look in the mirror i always get a hard on,
the wife replies "that's cos u look like a C**T